Oh Geez: Another Pre-Birthday Update & once again considering a return to blogging

I’m back….again

I experimented briefly with another blog space, which was basically just me nerding out about picking names and designs and writing nothing. In the end leaving Stationary Drifting just doesn’t make sense to me. I have it tattoo’d on me for christsake.

It seems like it’s time for my semi-yearly check in, and a lot has changed.

Superficially, my hair got shorter

---

and I continued to confuse the world about my gender. I do what I want and define nothing okay? It’s easier for everyone that way.

I got a new job & took a mini vacation (Niagara Falls)

---

Pictured: M & I represented as finger puppets won at an arcade & the less impressive falls but the less misty one so dry enough to take photos of.

I don’t think I want to rate the importance of changes in my life, but man has this one ever made a big difference. I think I had been underestimating just how important my work is to me, and just how much a shitty job can drag me down (& let’s not talk about the effects of a shitty paying job in an expensive city). I moved back into the field I’ve been working in for years (women & youth, violence prevention, capacity building), got a boost in title (I’m a manager now!), am working nationally again, and am working for a pretty big deal (in my world) organization. I gotta say I love it. It feels so good to go into work every day and feel pumped about it. Some days I find myself procrastinating on leaving work at the end of the day because I’m enjoying myself so much, which is ridiculous and obviously I have to stop doing that but it says a lot.

Honestly the last time I felt this way about a job was about 7 years ago, which means about 7 years of just getting by/surviving/keeping my head down or being unemployed. Not a good time. It has only been a month by my spirits have lifted significantly.

I quit school & feel SO much calmer about life

---

Pictured: Lake Ontario from the train, Kawartha Area, College St Clouds, Lake Tasso

Although it was not a decision I came to lightly, I do not regret it for a second. I love being a grad school drop-out, and I love that I no longer feel so fucking terrible about myself and my inability to get it done. I had moved past the point of wanting to get or do a master’s a long time ago and was pushing through because of some sense of duty or fear. It took me a long time to finally decide and many tears were shed but I haven’t looked back. Not once.

M & I have been together 4 years

---

Pictured: M @ Allen Gardens this spring, the 2 of us before a night out & first day of summer on the streetcar

See what I mean about not ranking these updates? Because obviously this is a giant one. 2 years married and 4 years together. We have hit a new stride, one that is a lot more honest and comfortable. I really think it has taken me this long to relax and believe that she is sticking around. I think its also taken this long to figure out how to communicate with each other. Which is not to say that its perfect all the time but jesus, its light-years better than 4 years ago. I feel incredibly happy and lucky to be in love with her. Our life together is quiet, happy and mutually supportive, which is the best ever basically.

My G’ma passed away & I have a lot of feelings

---

Pictured: my G’ma in her late 20ies & tiny snap dragons living in a construction site

I feel all sorts of ways about this and I have put away processing this for a time that I feel stronger. My Grandma meant a lot to me and was also a very complicated woman. She was essentially my only grandparent (my mom’s mom not really being a big presence in my life and my grandfathers gone before I remember them). Her passing was both something to grieve and feel relief over. Dementia is a truly terrible thing and I don’t think anyone, particularly her, wanted to see how far it could get. Her endings gave me some inkling of the nature of the human spirit, and how love and humour can transcend seriously dark places. At the same time her decline was so painful and so humbling. She wasn’t perfect or easy, she has a past that continues to affect all the generations of her offspring but she was fierce, smart, loyal, independent and creative. She followed her dreams to a fault and has inspired the lot of us in doing the same.

We got a cat – She has a Salvador Dali mustache & about 9 names

---

She is an absolute monster of a chatty, meow bag, who wakes me up way too early in the morning and is pretty damn finicky about her litterbox for a shelter cat. She a sweet little mustachioed biter and a much loved pain in the ass. I took a sick day back in April and while M & I were wandering around the neighbourhood in search of quiet places to peek at we walked by the SPCA at the end of our block. We had both been staunchly avoiding going in since we arrived in Toronto and I warned as we walked in that we would probably be walking out with an animal. Which is what we did. We were thinking a dog but after a short while in the really sad, really loud dog kennel part we walked up into the quiet haven of the cat kennels and decided that maybe this was better for us. M picked the cat out, and as soon as I saw her mustache I was in love. We did think about it, for an hour or so while we bought groceries, but our hearts were stolen and they still are. Running list of names (both official and none official) used include, in order: Soda, Little Butt, Smoo/Smooboo, Rooster, Now Now, Lola Spinx, Duckie, also Fluff Face and Cat/Chat (pronounced Shat).

I’m quitting smoking…again & got stitches from washing the dishes

---

Pictured: My hand in January after an early morning dish washing accident, a full day’s work, only to go straight to the hospital afterwards to get 3 stitches. That said, the TeleHealth in Ontario is excellent. Also pictured is me feeling joyous, not knowing that another go at quitting is in my near future.

I’m writing this down even though its barely been 24hrs since I quit. I find that writing it down makes it more official. I was in the shower the other day, reflecting as I do, about my upcoming 32nd birthday and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a smoker anymore. It has been officially 10 years, and I don’t even really enjoy it anymore though it does have its purposes. I think I’m ready.

I should probably be more accurate and say that WE are quitting smoking. My poor M is currently sadly in bed sleeping off some hard feelings. She is/was a far heavier smoker than me so this hits a lot harder. It helps that we are quitting together because I’ve tried to quit on my own while she smokes and it fucking sucks. It also makes my thirst and cravings for sweet things seem pretty pale in comparison to my suffering wife. I have really high hopes for her quitting, higher than my own I think. She is the toughest person I know and I think if she can make it through this we both will kick this forever. I’m trying not to fuss over her too much because obviously that’s annoying so I’m writing it here that I’m SO PROUD she made it 24hrs!!

I flirted with starting my own business & took no good, relevant photos about it

---

Pictured: the cat doing what she does best & me in Cabbagetown looking smug

Back in the spring when I thought I was going to die if I had to work any longer at my old job I got a kick in the pants from M, my brother and sister-in-law to start selling my apothecary line. I was all set up to write a business plan, I had a mentor, a volunteer designer and everything when I got my new job and bailed on the whole plan. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with that plan now, I still want it, but I’m so happy at my new job that I don’t know anymore…Owning my own business is expensive and scarey and uncertain, and oh so attractive. I’m new at my job so who knows, maybe the decision will be easier later. We’ll see…

So what next? Now that summer is over…

---

Pictured: Elora Beach, Ukrainian Church Graffiti @ Trinity-Bellwoods, Cabbagetown House Dreams & Lido Pimienta at the
In Honour Festival (Aug)

I took a short read through my past posts before starting to write this and almost all my posts talked about looking for, searching, wondering about happiness. I think more than anything those posts, along with my silence on this blog, have really highlighted just how incredibly depressed I’ve been for the past xx years. Maybe it was Saturn Returns, some big life changes, closing out my 20ies and starting my 30ies, struggling to find my place in the world, and feeling pretty damn knocked around but its been a helluva slog through hard times this past while. I’m not making any promises that I’m in a better place but I am feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long ass time and I’m hopeful that this means I am rounding a healthier corner.

My biggest preoccupation these days is figuring out what my hobbies are again. Years of beating myself up over school and being broke as shit has erased what I used to do to entertain myself. It’s fall so I’m going to start knitting again, I’m going to spend some serious time working on my apothecary stuff again, maybe I’ll blog more, I want to take a perfume making course, and learn how to make terrariums, this house needs some love because I’ve pretty much been ignoring that I live here, I need to make some friends god damn it. Friends would help a lot…

even plant friends

oh hey

top of St Mike’s

I’m back again. I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what to do with this blog. I keep wanting it to be SOMETHING but, like the rest of my life, I’m a little too scattered to be of any use. That being said, I feel the need to write something, anything. So I’m going to come back to this space and see what I have to give to it.

It might be a little melodramatic, I feel that way these days. It will definitely include the search for happiness that I have referenced before. I am actively back on the path towards finding what my life can be. I mean seriously, screw mid to low range emotions. I don’t really want to live the rest of my life feeling shitty to okay. It will include some health stuff because I really need to do something about my body. It will probably still include cooking and making of things because 1. I find those things relaxing and so they are useful to the above search for happiness, and 2. I’m redoubling my efforts to keep food in the house and non-take out food in my belly. I also need winter hobbies, hence the making. Makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something other than get out of bed and go to work, re: happiness. It all comes full circle to that. And stream of consciousness documenting helps too. I have an affinity to this claimed corner of the internet and as long as I continue to feel good about it I’m going to inhabit here.

I have literally no idea how many times I’ve said this but I’m back. Maybe I’ll make some changes, I have no idea how much I’ll actually write. I’ll try and keep it interesting. Comment if you feel like it, I do appreciate a boost.

Happy end of 2013 everyone.

Go Deep on the Waves

Frozen Tsunami Wave in Antarctica

“If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?”

“When a wave comes, go deep.”

“I think I’m going to need an explanation for that one.”

“There’s three things you can do when life sends a wave at you. You can run from it, but then it’s going to catch up and knock you down. You can also fall back on your ego and try to stand your ground, but then it’s still going to clobber you. Or you can use it as an opportunity to go deep, and transform yourself to match the circumstances. And that’s how you get through the wave.”

quote from Humans of New York (link)

been a minute

Its been a little while since I wrote here. Haven’t had a whole lot of time for much of anything and frankly the blog is the first thing to fall off. Always.

The move to Toronto has been good, difficult, lonely and worth it.

My new job is rewarding. Not perfect by any means, not the least of which is that its BARELY enough $$ to get by in this expensive ass city (be glad I wasn’t blogging during the apartment hunt, all I can say is “What the Fuck Toronto?” on that one). Its also a normal NGO with its dark underbelly of bad labour politics. I don’t know what it is about NGO’s that bring that out but this one is no different. That said my work is really interesting and is in a field that’s new to me so I’m learning a lot, which I appreciate. Plus I have benefits!! Whoooooo, new glasses and maybe a visit to the dentist is in my future. BIG PLANS.

I think after almost 4 months on the job I’m starting to settle in to what a 9-5 job does to my body. FYI, it makes me ridiculously tired. I’m trying to figure out how to curb my night owl lifestyle into a morning person job. I’m supposed to be at work at 8:30am. I go in for 9am. I prefer a short lunch break over being fucking exhausted all day.

Now that I’m into a big of a work groove I’ve picked up the pace on working on my thesis. It sucks a lot to leave work and go to a library to open my laptop and work some more but I keep trying to tell myself that it will feel amazing once I’m done. Between trying to talk myself out of quitting anyway.

Oh, I’m also working 2 facilitation contracts too. Not exactly sure how that’s supposed to fit in to my days but I’m trying to make it work.

Our new house is almost set up. One more trip to IKEA and we should have all the basics to live with. In retrospect deciding to get rid of everything in Montreal has turned out to be super expensive. No regrets because our brand new bed is wonderous and the house looks amazing with furniture that is not sagging, ripped or coming apart at the seams and all that but the credit card bill is a little scary…Hence the extra contracts I’ve been taking on.

Mars and I have been doing good. The move was hard on us for different reasons, me because I was leaving the only place I had ever really made home. Mars because she was leaving a place that she had just finally figured out. Its been a stressor on our relationship for sure, especially since I leave the house every day and leave Mars alone all week. I think we’ve started to hit our stride though and are definitely happier now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately and what it takes to be happy. Alright, I know its not just been lately but I’m still trying to figure out my happiness stride and what makes me happy. I don’t think I’ve found it yet. I’m not necessarily generally happy at the moment but I think I’m on the right path. Finish the thesis so I can finally go the direction I think I want to go in my career, and also have a social life without guilt. Get my experience at this job and then move on. I can see where the path is, I think its just over the next hill. Get Mars settled here so that we can focus on other things. I want to travel again. My wanderlust has been in a box for years because I haven’t been able to afford it and I know its making me sad.

I’m about to turn 31. Life isn’t over but it does feel a helluva lot more serious at times.

So yeah, that’s my update. No pictures but this play list is helping keep me upbeat on this rainy fall day.

{image from last.fm}

ps. Jolene is about the only song I ever mastered on the guitar AND could sing.

 

New Life Ahead

Arrived.
Exhausted.
Feeling lucky and loved by all the wonderful people who kept me going through this transition and who helped out in a million small and large ways. I don’t know what I did to deserve it but I’m connected to some really incredible and solid people.
Laying in a strange new bed listening to the sounds of streetcars and new city. 6 years in montreal and now I’m feeling that brand new again. It’s strange and exciting and sad all at the same time.
Trying to catch my breath in it all. Having Mars beside me and seeing Jared walk up made everything better. Home is definitely where my heart is.

{wishlist} April

///  1. Plie Date shoes by Modcloth /// 2. Porcelain Bangle by The Awesome Project /// 3. Ginger Spicy Dress by Modcloth /// 4. Coral Czech Glass Beads via fivesisters /// 5. Dotted Chambray Boyshirt by Madewell // 6. Vintage Avacado Green Desk Lamp via charliesnet ///

My wishlist for April is light and airy because that’s what I’m craving more than anything these days. The sun is coming out more and the snow is melting in Montreal (though not in my hometowns!). Its almost warm enough to lose SOME layers and maybe consider something other than boots on my feet. Tights can be lighter weight than wool. Shirts can almost be worn without layers under and over. I can feel spring coming in full force and I can’t wait! April has me craving light dresses and chambray, bigger jewelry that doesn’t have to be worn over many sweaters, like bracelets! Delicate crafts, especially more semi-permanent bracelets to add to my collection (hence the beads), and this cute chambray shirt to replace my favourite but ill fitting denim shirt as the best layer around. The lamp is because it still gets dark in the early evenings and it would be nice to be able to see at my desk while I burn the evening to late night oil working on this thesis of mine before it gets too nice out to want to work.

April showers over snow any day. Bring on spring!

 

 

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom’s birthday and I just wanted to send a little shout out to her in celebration of her awesomeness over her years in rotation of the sun.

Thanks mom for being the best damn mom I could ever ask for. Thanks for being steadfast and calm all the time. For your incredible decision making power and selflessness. For your laugh. For being an inspiring artist and crafts person. For taking all your passions and responsibilities head on. For commanding attention without raising your voice. For not being afraid to take risks. For demonstrating that being happy is really important. For doing what you love even if its not a field that’s particularly welcoming to women and single mothers. For loving us all so wholly.

From my perspective, thank you for kick-starting the majority of my hobbies and passions. For trying to understand me even when I don’t make sense to you. For being incredibly supportive of even my most wild ideas. For pushing me to chase my dreams and for only occasionally complaining that those dreams took me so far away from home. Thanks for always sounding happy and excited when I call you. For meeting me at the airport at all times of the day or night and for coming to visit. For encouraging me to travel and try new things. For showing me how to be a tough woman that holds her own and reminding me not to be an island. For editing my university papers even though I cried when you did. For trying to teach me math even though I cried when you did. For putting me in dance so that I would stand half a chance in not inheriting your klutziness (not that dance has eliminated that all together). For showing me how to be tender with people you love. For loving the prairies so much. For “just us girls” moments.

Love you more than I could say. Sending you lots of birthday love. Here’s hoping I can be there for a birthday of yours soon!

Best of Blogs: March

I didn’t really keep up with my posting schedule for this month but I do want to keep up with my ‘best of’ posts. The monthly posts are a great way for me to record my goings on for posterity or whatever, and I really love the best of blogs posts because I really love blogs! I don’t have a lot of readership, and some of the blogs I follow don’t either (though I’m sure they all have more than me!), but whether we just read each others’ or if we have thousands of hits a day I really love these blogs and I want to give them the recognition they deserve.

This month I would really like to highlight 2 blogs that have inspired me to get back into blogging as a way to share my day to day and what makes me happy. I think that these were the first 2 blogs I really got into, and started reading daily (or whenever they posted). They both are incredibly honest in their approach to writing, which is refreshing and so so brave. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put myself out there like they do (either on the web or in real life) but I very much admire their writing. They remind me to not fall into the trap of blogging only about beautiful things but to find beauty in the sharing the hard things too.

Click here to see February’s best of blogs – there are some great blogs on that one that I am still reading daily.

REMINDER: all the photos belong to the blogger they are associated with, click each photo to be taken to their corresponding post.

{click blog logo, or here, to be taken to the site}

/// above photos belong to Ellen, click on each photo to be taken to their source ///

Ellen from Black and White and Loved All Over is one of the first bloggers I started to follow regularly. I really can’t remember right now how I came across her blog but I remember being really really excited about her writing style from the beginning. There are a few blogs I have come across that I loved so much that I read pretty much all their archives like the site was a novel, hers was the first one I did that with. I had no idea that I could get that into the ramblings of a fellow internet user but Ellen proved me that writing and just putting it out there can be so powerful.

These days Ellen is a mother of 2 really really gorgeous girls (pictured above!) and blogs a lot about her experience of motherhood. She is so real and honest about the joys and challenges of motherhood, its refreshing. I haven’t quite found anyone who expresses so well (what I imagine is) the complexities of loving little people so much while simultaneously acknowledging that its a damn hard job. She also blogs about home decor, DIY culture, being a freelance writer, living in Nashville, her husband, and other regular life stuff. I can’t help but having a driving need to visit Nashville and see the beauty of the place she describes with so much love.

I really suggest clicking the links and checking out blackandwhiteandlovedallover. Its a really wonderful space on the internet and I hope she keeps up the writing for a long time (no pressure Ellen, but seriously I would really miss you if you stopped).

Also, she just seems like a cool person, the kind I would enjoy sharing a beer with and rolling our eyes about life’s twists and turns.

{click blog logo, or here, to be taken to the site}

/// above photos belong to Drea, click on each photo to be taken to their source ///

I don’t know why I follow so many mom bloggers…maybe there’s something about being a mom being at home for that first little bit that gets people into it, maybe its a desire to document your child’s life that comes out of parenthood (I’ve seen a fair few dad bloggers too), I don’t know I’m not a mom. Drea from ohdeardrea is another blogger I follow that is also a mother of a really lovely and sweet sounding daughter. I think I found Drea’s blog through Ellen from blackandwhiteandlovedallover (above). She is the second blogger I remember getting into and the second blog that I got so excited about I read nearly all her archives. What made Drea stand out to me at first was that she was (at the time) a single mom blogger. Which is pretty rare, I find, in the blog world and kind of refreshing to see that people are thriving as single, happy parents out there. The other thing I really liked about her blog was how raw it was. She did not hold back at all in talking about her struggles and what was going on for her. Which is also really rare in the blog world where everything is tied up in a neat little bow that was hand crafted and photoshopped. These days she is a little more, I don’t know, restrained in her writing. Which makes complete sense to me because people on the internet can be pretty judgemental. But she still retains an honest voice, and journal quality that makes her really great to read on this side of the screen. The kind of read that makes me feel like struggle and happiness can be tied together and beautiful either way.

Besides being a mother, Drea also writes about being vegan, crafting, cooking/eating/being a foodie (ohmygod the eating that happens in her house!), travel, living in Florida, friends and loved ones, and general life stuff.

Check out ohdeardrea for a some really heartfelt and entertaining blogging, oogle her incredible floral couch, and dream about living in Florida.

Like Ellen, Drea just seems like a really great person that would be fun to go out dancing with.

///////

And that’s it for March Best of Blogs. Thanks to Ellen and Drea for their permission to use photos from their blogs. I have to admit that its a bit of a thrill to send and get emails from people who’s blogs I really admire.

Thanks for reading, and let me know what your favourite blogs are in the comments! I’m always happy to find new great and inspiring sites to read!

A-Z of me

I have my best of blogs for March all lined up to go but I’m waiting for confirmation from the people that I’m featuring on if I can post some of their photos. I’m still learning the ins and outs of blog etiquette and it feels right to ask. SO in the meantime, I borrowed this quiz thing from Ellen over at Black and White and Loved All Over as a quick and easy post for today. I’m a nerd and I love these types of things, I remember when they were going around facebook a long time ago but I feel like we used to email them around to each other in high school too.

So, here it goes:

A. Age: 30
B. Bed size: a very saggy, very old, second hand queen that I would love to replace SO badly! If money and apartment/bedroom size wasn’t a factor I would get a king size in a second. I love space when I sleep.
C. Chore that you hate: The laundry. Not so much the washing of clothes per se, but the packing up and trekking of them to the laundromat. I HATE hanging out in the laundromat for a few hours, fighting for machines and watching all my bills be turned into quarters and then fed into machines that give me 4mins of drying time for 25cents. Ugh.
D. Dogs: None these days. I would really like a boxer or a pit bull. Mars and I were joking about getting a bull dog and naming it Stickers. At this point we need a little more space and a little more stability before we can make that decision. But man, I would love a dog to bits.
E. Essential start to your day: What Mars calls ‘ipad time’, every morning when I wake up I spend a good 30-45mins laying in bed and reading what’s going on in the world on my ipad. Partially its because I’m a tech addict, but partially its because its a great quiet time moment when I can adjust to being awake and without having to talk to anyone or make decisions. I wake up slowly. After that its coffee.
F. Favorite color: tough call, I would have to say variations of dark red. Though I rarely ever wear it…I’ve been getting into yellows and oranges too, which I used to hate…
G. Gold or Silver: Gold (and silver, not picky)
H. Height: 5″6
I. Instruments you play: I played the flute for 6 years as a kid into high school. Taught myself a bit of guitar. I’m not very good at either.
J. Job title: Master’s student, Teaching Assistant, Professional Job Hunter
K. Kids: None yet, but like the dog I would love to have some when the time is right. Or at least when I’ve found a bit more stability.
L. Live: Montreal. I’ve been here almost 6 years, which is 1 year shy of the longest I’ve been anywhere. It feels nice, but very weird since I’m a still pretty nomadic at heart. I think I’m ready to leave Montreal now but not because I don’t still love it. Mostly because I need a job and a change of scenery.
M. Mother’s name: Lynn (her birthday is tomorrow!)
N. Nicknames: Kee & boobear (mars – amongst MANY others), squirt (dad), sweetheart (mom), K-(insert word) ex: K-money. I don’t have a lot of nicknames, my name is hard to shorten except to Keith, which I refuse to be called.
O. Overnight hospital stays: I think a couple as a baby, other than that none. I narrowly avoided a stay after one of my elbow surgeries. They let me go home for the night and sleep in my own bed as long as I promised to be back by first rounds in the morning. I was so grateful, not only because hospitals are not great places for staying but also because it was my birthday.
P. Pet peeves: people who do more talking than listening, leaving the sponge or dish cloth in the bottom of the sink, open cabinet doors, sleeping in unmade beds
Q. Quote: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” ― Leonard Cohen, Selected Poems, 1956-1968
R. Right or left handed: very very right handed
S. Siblings: such a complicated question for a blended family like mine. I guess the shorthand way to say this is 2 brothers and 2 step-brothers.
U. Underwear: not sure what the question is here. Yes I wear them, every day, usually of the boxer or ladies underwear variety. Never thongs, those things are evil.
V. Vegetable you hate: mushrooms. I can tolerate cooked ones but uncooked ones make me gag (I also hate raisins)
W. What makes you run late: everything/a deep love of being comfortable at home/Mars / the internet
X. X-Rays you’ve had: oh man, lots. Almost all on the 1 elbow I broke and had surgery on. At least, I don’t know, 7 on it? 1 on the other elbow that I fractured years ago. And maybe 1 on my foot? I can’t remember if they just told me I fractured it or if it was double checked with an xray…
Y. Yummy food that you make: anything sweet, I’m a good baker. I’m a master at soups of all kinds. I just won a rib competition so I guess my ribs are excellent, even if it was the first time I ever made them.
Z. Zoo animal: Lions, tigers and otters

In other news, happy April Fools. All of this is real info because I’m bad at and feel bad for doing April Fool’s jokes. I got caught a few times today over facebook. Good ones friends, good ones.