Stationary Drifting


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Oh Geez: Another Pre-Birthday Update & once again considering a return to blogging

I’m back….again

I experimented briefly with another blog space, which was basically just me nerding out about picking names and designs and writing nothing. In the end leaving Stationary Drifting just doesn’t make sense to me. I have it tattoo’d on me for christsake.

It seems like it’s time for my semi-yearly check in, and a lot has changed.

Superficially, my hair got shorter


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and I continued to confuse the world about my gender. I do what I want and define nothing okay? It’s easier for everyone that way.

I got a new job & took a mini vacation (Niagara Falls)


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Pictured: M & I represented as finger puppets won at an arcade & the less impressive falls but the less misty one so dry enough to take photos of.

I don’t think I want to rate the importance of changes in my life, but man has this one ever made a big difference. I think I had been underestimating just how important my work is to me, and just how much a shitty job can drag me down (& let’s not talk about the effects of a shitty paying job in an expensive city). I moved back into the field I’ve been working in for years (women & youth, violence prevention, capacity building), got a boost in title (I’m a manager now!), am working nationally again, and am working for a pretty big deal (in my world) organization. I gotta say I love it. It feels so good to go into work every day and feel pumped about it. Some days I find myself procrastinating on leaving work at the end of the day because I’m enjoying myself so much, which is ridiculous and obviously I have to stop doing that but it says a lot.

Honestly the last time I felt this way about a job was about 7 years ago, which means about 7 years of just getting by/surviving/keeping my head down or being unemployed. Not a good time. It has only been a month by my spirits have lifted significantly.

I quit school & feel SO much calmer about life


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Pictured: Lake Ontario from the train, Kawartha Area, College St Clouds, Lake Tasso

Although it was not a decision I came to lightly, I do not regret it for a second. I love being a grad school drop-out, and I love that I no longer feel so fucking terrible about myself and my inability to get it done. I had moved past the point of wanting to get or do a master’s a long time ago and was pushing through because of some sense of duty or fear. It took me a long time to finally decide and many tears were shed but I haven’t looked back. Not once.

M & I have been together 4 years


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Pictured: M @ Allen Gardens this spring, the 2 of us before a night out & first day of summer on the streetcar

See what I mean about not ranking these updates? Because obviously this is a giant one. 2 years married and 4 years together. We have hit a new stride, one that is a lot more honest and comfortable. I really think it has taken me this long to relax and believe that she is sticking around. I think its also taken this long to figure out how to communicate with each other. Which is not to say that its perfect all the time but jesus, its light-years better than 4 years ago. I feel incredibly happy and lucky to be in love with her. Our life together is quiet, happy and mutually supportive, which is the best ever basically.

My G’ma passed away & I have a lot of feelings


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Pictured: my G’ma in her late 20ies & tiny snap dragons living in a construction site

I feel all sorts of ways about this and I have put away processing this for a time that I feel stronger. My Grandma meant a lot to me and was also a very complicated woman. She was essentially my only grandparent (my mom’s mom not really being a big presence in my life and my grandfathers gone before I remember them). Her passing was both something to grieve and feel relief over. Dementia is a truly terrible thing and I don’t think anyone, particularly her, wanted to see how far it could get. Her endings gave me some inkling of the nature of the human spirit, and how love and humour can transcend seriously dark places. At the same time her decline was so painful and so humbling. She wasn’t perfect or easy, she has a past that continues to affect all the generations of her offspring but she was fierce, smart, loyal, independent and creative. She followed her dreams to a fault and has inspired the lot of us in doing the same.

We got a cat – She has a Salvador Dali mustache & about 9 names


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She is an absolute monster of a chatty, meow bag, who wakes me up way too early in the morning and is pretty damn finicky about her litterbox for a shelter cat. She a sweet little mustachioed biter and a much loved pain in the ass. I took a sick day back in April and while M & I were wandering around the neighbourhood in search of quiet places to peek at we walked by the SPCA at the end of our block. We had both been staunchly avoiding going in since we arrived in Toronto and I warned as we walked in that we would probably be walking out with an animal. Which is what we did. We were thinking a dog but after a short while in the really sad, really loud dog kennel part we walked up into the quiet haven of the cat kennels and decided that maybe this was better for us. M picked the cat out, and as soon as I saw her mustache I was in love. We did think about it, for an hour or so while we bought groceries, but our hearts were stolen and they still are. Running list of names (both official and none official) used include, in order: Soda, Little Butt, Smoo/Smooboo, Rooster, Now Now, Lola Spinx, Duckie, also Fluff Face and Cat/Chat (pronounced Shat).

I’m quitting smoking…again & got stitches from washing the dishes


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Pictured: My hand in January after an early morning dish washing accident, a full day’s work, only to go straight to the hospital afterwards to get 3 stitches. That said, the TeleHealth in Ontario is excellent. Also pictured is me feeling joyous, not knowing that another go at quitting is in my near future.

I’m writing this down even though its barely been 24hrs since I quit. I find that writing it down makes it more official. I was in the shower the other day, reflecting as I do, about my upcoming 32nd birthday and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a smoker anymore. It has been officially 10 years, and I don’t even really enjoy it anymore though it does have its purposes. I think I’m ready.

I should probably be more accurate and say that WE are quitting smoking. My poor M is currently sadly in bed sleeping off some hard feelings. She is/was a far heavier smoker than me so this hits a lot harder. It helps that we are quitting together because I’ve tried to quit on my own while she smokes and it fucking sucks. It also makes my thirst and cravings for sweet things seem pretty pale in comparison to my suffering wife. I have really high hopes for her quitting, higher than my own I think. She is the toughest person I know and I think if she can make it through this we both will kick this forever. I’m trying not to fuss over her too much because obviously that’s annoying so I’m writing it here that I’m SO PROUD she made it 24hrs!!

I flirted with starting my own business & took no good, relevant photos about it


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Pictured: the cat doing what she does best & me in Cabbagetown looking smug

Back in the spring when I thought I was going to die if I had to work any longer at my old job I got a kick in the pants from M, my brother and sister-in-law to start selling my apothecary line. I was all set up to write a business plan, I had a mentor, a volunteer designer and everything when I got my new job and bailed on the whole plan. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with that plan now, I still want it, but I’m so happy at my new job that I don’t know anymore…Owning my own business is expensive and scarey and uncertain, and oh so attractive. I’m new at my job so who knows, maybe the decision will be easier later. We’ll see…

So what next? Now that summer is over…


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Pictured: Elora Beach, Ukrainian Church Graffiti @ Trinity-Bellwoods, Cabbagetown House Dreams & Lido Pimienta at the
In Honour Festival
(Aug)

I took a short read through my past posts before starting to write this and almost all my posts talked about looking for, searching, wondering about happiness. I think more than anything those posts, along with my silence on this blog, have really highlighted just how incredibly depressed I’ve been for the past xx years. Maybe it was Saturn Returns, some big life changes, closing out my 20ies and starting my 30ies, struggling to find my place in the world, and feeling pretty damn knocked around but its been a helluva slog through hard times this past while. I’m not making any promises that I’m in a better place but I am feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long ass time and I’m hopeful that this means I am rounding a healthier corner.

My biggest preoccupation these days is figuring out what my hobbies are again. Years of beating myself up over school and being broke as shit has erased what I used to do to entertain myself. It’s fall so I’m going to start knitting again, I’m going to spend some serious time working on my apothecary stuff again, maybe I’ll blog more, I want to take a perfume making course, and learn how to make terrariums, this house needs some love because I’ve pretty much been ignoring that I live here, I need to make some friends god damn it. Friends would help a lot…

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even plant friends


oh hey

top of St Mike's

top of St Mike’s

I’m back again. I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what to do with this blog. I keep wanting it to be SOMETHING but, like the rest of my life, I’m a little too scattered to be of any use. That being said, I feel the need to write something, anything. So I’m going to come back to this space and see what I have to give to it.

It might be a little melodramatic, I feel that way these days. It will definitely include the search for happiness that I have referenced before. I am actively back on the path towards finding what my life can be. I mean seriously, screw mid to low range emotions. I don’t really want to live the rest of my life feeling shitty to okay. It will include some health stuff because I really need to do something about my body. It will probably still include cooking and making of things because 1. I find those things relaxing and so they are useful to the above search for happiness, and 2. I’m redoubling my efforts to keep food in the house and non-take out food in my belly. I also need winter hobbies, hence the making. Makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something other than get out of bed and go to work, re: happiness. It all comes full circle to that. And stream of consciousness documenting helps too. I have an affinity to this claimed corner of the internet and as long as I continue to feel good about it I’m going to inhabit here.

I have literally no idea how many times I’ve said this but I’m back. Maybe I’ll make some changes, I have no idea how much I’ll actually write. I’ll try and keep it interesting. Comment if you feel like it, I do appreciate a boost.

Happy end of 2013 everyone.


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Go Deep on the Waves

Frozen Tsunami Wave in Antarctica

“If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?”

“When a wave comes, go deep.”

“I think I’m going to need an explanation for that one.”

“There’s three things you can do when life sends a wave at you. You can run from it, but then it’s going to catch up and knock you down. You can also fall back on your ego and try to stand your ground, but then it’s still going to clobber you. Or you can use it as an opportunity to go deep, and transform yourself to match the circumstances. And that’s how you get through the wave.”

quote from Humans of New York (link)


been a minute

Its been a little while since I wrote here. Haven’t had a whole lot of time for much of anything and frankly the blog is the first thing to fall off. Always.

The move to Toronto has been good, difficult, lonely and worth it.

My new job is rewarding. Not perfect by any means, not the least of which is that its BARELY enough $$ to get by in this expensive ass city (be glad I wasn’t blogging during the apartment hunt, all I can say is “What the Fuck Toronto?” on that one). Its also a normal NGO with its dark underbelly of bad labour politics. I don’t know what it is about NGO’s that bring that out but this one is no different. That said my work is really interesting and is in a field that’s new to me so I’m learning a lot, which I appreciate. Plus I have benefits!! Whoooooo, new glasses and maybe a visit to the dentist is in my future. BIG PLANS.

I think after almost 4 months on the job I’m starting to settle in to what a 9-5 job does to my body. FYI, it makes me ridiculously tired. I’m trying to figure out how to curb my night owl lifestyle into a morning person job. I’m supposed to be at work at 8:30am. I go in for 9am. I prefer a short lunch break over being fucking exhausted all day.

Now that I’m into a big of a work groove I’ve picked up the pace on working on my thesis. It sucks a lot to leave work and go to a library to open my laptop and work some more but I keep trying to tell myself that it will feel amazing once I’m done. Between trying to talk myself out of quitting anyway.

Oh, I’m also working 2 facilitation contracts too. Not exactly sure how that’s supposed to fit in to my days but I’m trying to make it work.

Our new house is almost set up. One more trip to IKEA and we should have all the basics to live with. In retrospect deciding to get rid of everything in Montreal has turned out to be super expensive. No regrets because our brand new bed is wonderous and the house looks amazing with furniture that is not sagging, ripped or coming apart at the seams and all that but the credit card bill is a little scary…Hence the extra contracts I’ve been taking on.

Mars and I have been doing good. The move was hard on us for different reasons, me because I was leaving the only place I had ever really made home. Mars because she was leaving a place that she had just finally figured out. Its been a stressor on our relationship for sure, especially since I leave the house every day and leave Mars alone all week. I think we’ve started to hit our stride though and are definitely happier now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately and what it takes to be happy. Alright, I know its not just been lately but I’m still trying to figure out my happiness stride and what makes me happy. I don’t think I’ve found it yet. I’m not necessarily generally happy at the moment but I think I’m on the right path. Finish the thesis so I can finally go the direction I think I want to go in my career, and also have a social life without guilt. Get my experience at this job and then move on. I can see where the path is, I think its just over the next hill. Get Mars settled here so that we can focus on other things. I want to travel again. My wanderlust has been in a box for years because I haven’t been able to afford it and I know its making me sad.

I’m about to turn 31. Life isn’t over but it does feel a helluva lot more serious at times.

So yeah, that’s my update. No pictures but this play list is helping keep me upbeat on this rainy fall day.

{image from last.fm}

ps. Jolene is about the only song I ever mastered on the guitar AND could sing.

 


New Life Ahead

Arrived.
Exhausted.
Feeling lucky and loved by all the wonderful people who kept me going through this transition and who helped out in a million small and large ways. I don’t know what I did to deserve it but I’m connected to some really incredible and solid people.
Laying in a strange new bed listening to the sounds of streetcars and new city. 6 years in montreal and now I’m feeling that brand new again. It’s strange and exciting and sad all at the same time.
Trying to catch my breath in it all. Having Mars beside me and seeing Jared walk up made everything better. Home is definitely where my heart is.

Pony Up

Lack of posting lately as I am busy applying to every job I come across. Not to mention trying to fit in my thesis and sleep between that. In the meantime watch this video. I don’t know why but I really really love it. I doubt Ginuwine ever imagined his song being danced to like this! Also Thom Yorke is from Radiohead in case you didn’t know (I didn’t know, never being much of a radiohead fan).

Happy Wednesday everyone. We’re expecting snow here at the end of the week (again) but for now it still feels like spring and that makes me happy.


{wishlist} April

April Wishlist

///  1. Plie Date shoes by Modcloth /// 2. Porcelain Bangle by The Awesome Project /// 3. Ginger Spicy Dress by Modcloth /// 4. Coral Czech Glass Beads via fivesisters /// 5. Dotted Chambray Boyshirt by Madewell // 6. Vintage Avacado Green Desk Lamp via charliesnet ///

My wishlist for April is light and airy because that’s what I’m craving more than anything these days. The sun is coming out more and the snow is melting in Montreal (though not in my hometowns!). Its almost warm enough to lose SOME layers and maybe consider something other than boots on my feet. Tights can be lighter weight than wool. Shirts can almost be worn without layers under and over. I can feel spring coming in full force and I can’t wait! April has me craving light dresses and chambray, bigger jewelry that doesn’t have to be worn over many sweaters, like bracelets! Delicate crafts, especially more semi-permanent bracelets to add to my collection (hence the beads), and this cute chambray shirt to replace my favourite but ill fitting denim shirt as the best layer around. The lamp is because it still gets dark in the early evenings and it would be nice to be able to see at my desk while I burn the evening to late night oil working on this thesis of mine before it gets too nice out to want to work.

April showers over snow any day. Bring on spring!

 

 

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