Stationary Drifting


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Oh Geez: Another Pre-Birthday Update & once again considering a return to blogging

I’m back….again

I experimented briefly with another blog space, which was basically just me nerding out about picking names and designs and writing nothing. In the end leaving Stationary Drifting just doesn’t make sense to me. I have it tattoo’d on me for christsake.

It seems like it’s time for my semi-yearly check in, and a lot has changed.

Superficially, my hair got shorter


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and I continued to confuse the world about my gender. I do what I want and define nothing okay? It’s easier for everyone that way.

I got a new job & took a mini vacation (Niagara Falls)


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Pictured: M & I represented as finger puppets won at an arcade & the less impressive falls but the less misty one so dry enough to take photos of.

I don’t think I want to rate the importance of changes in my life, but man has this one ever made a big difference. I think I had been underestimating just how important my work is to me, and just how much a shitty job can drag me down (& let’s not talk about the effects of a shitty paying job in an expensive city). I moved back into the field I’ve been working in for years (women & youth, violence prevention, capacity building), got a boost in title (I’m a manager now!), am working nationally again, and am working for a pretty big deal (in my world) organization. I gotta say I love it. It feels so good to go into work every day and feel pumped about it. Some days I find myself procrastinating on leaving work at the end of the day because I’m enjoying myself so much, which is ridiculous and obviously I have to stop doing that but it says a lot.

Honestly the last time I felt this way about a job was about 7 years ago, which means about 7 years of just getting by/surviving/keeping my head down or being unemployed. Not a good time. It has only been a month by my spirits have lifted significantly.

I quit school & feel SO much calmer about life


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Pictured: Lake Ontario from the train, Kawartha Area, College St Clouds, Lake Tasso

Although it was not a decision I came to lightly, I do not regret it for a second. I love being a grad school drop-out, and I love that I no longer feel so fucking terrible about myself and my inability to get it done. I had moved past the point of wanting to get or do a master’s a long time ago and was pushing through because of some sense of duty or fear. It took me a long time to finally decide and many tears were shed but I haven’t looked back. Not once.

M & I have been together 4 years


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Pictured: M @ Allen Gardens this spring, the 2 of us before a night out & first day of summer on the streetcar

See what I mean about not ranking these updates? Because obviously this is a giant one. 2 years married and 4 years together. We have hit a new stride, one that is a lot more honest and comfortable. I really think it has taken me this long to relax and believe that she is sticking around. I think its also taken this long to figure out how to communicate with each other. Which is not to say that its perfect all the time but jesus, its light-years better than 4 years ago. I feel incredibly happy and lucky to be in love with her. Our life together is quiet, happy and mutually supportive, which is the best ever basically.

My G’ma passed away & I have a lot of feelings


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Pictured: my G’ma in her late 20ies & tiny snap dragons living in a construction site

I feel all sorts of ways about this and I have put away processing this for a time that I feel stronger. My Grandma meant a lot to me and was also a very complicated woman. She was essentially my only grandparent (my mom’s mom not really being a big presence in my life and my grandfathers gone before I remember them). Her passing was both something to grieve and feel relief over. Dementia is a truly terrible thing and I don’t think anyone, particularly her, wanted to see how far it could get. Her endings gave me some inkling of the nature of the human spirit, and how love and humour can transcend seriously dark places. At the same time her decline was so painful and so humbling. She wasn’t perfect or easy, she has a past that continues to affect all the generations of her offspring but she was fierce, smart, loyal, independent and creative. She followed her dreams to a fault and has inspired the lot of us in doing the same.

We got a cat – She has a Salvador Dali mustache & about 9 names


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She is an absolute monster of a chatty, meow bag, who wakes me up way too early in the morning and is pretty damn finicky about her litterbox for a shelter cat. She a sweet little mustachioed biter and a much loved pain in the ass. I took a sick day back in April and while M & I were wandering around the neighbourhood in search of quiet places to peek at we walked by the SPCA at the end of our block. We had both been staunchly avoiding going in since we arrived in Toronto and I warned as we walked in that we would probably be walking out with an animal. Which is what we did. We were thinking a dog but after a short while in the really sad, really loud dog kennel part we walked up into the quiet haven of the cat kennels and decided that maybe this was better for us. M picked the cat out, and as soon as I saw her mustache I was in love. We did think about it, for an hour or so while we bought groceries, but our hearts were stolen and they still are. Running list of names (both official and none official) used include, in order: Soda, Little Butt, Smoo/Smooboo, Rooster, Now Now, Lola Spinx, Duckie, also Fluff Face and Cat/Chat (pronounced Shat).

I’m quitting smoking…again & got stitches from washing the dishes


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Pictured: My hand in January after an early morning dish washing accident, a full day’s work, only to go straight to the hospital afterwards to get 3 stitches. That said, the TeleHealth in Ontario is excellent. Also pictured is me feeling joyous, not knowing that another go at quitting is in my near future.

I’m writing this down even though its barely been 24hrs since I quit. I find that writing it down makes it more official. I was in the shower the other day, reflecting as I do, about my upcoming 32nd birthday and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a smoker anymore. It has been officially 10 years, and I don’t even really enjoy it anymore though it does have its purposes. I think I’m ready.

I should probably be more accurate and say that WE are quitting smoking. My poor M is currently sadly in bed sleeping off some hard feelings. She is/was a far heavier smoker than me so this hits a lot harder. It helps that we are quitting together because I’ve tried to quit on my own while she smokes and it fucking sucks. It also makes my thirst and cravings for sweet things seem pretty pale in comparison to my suffering wife. I have really high hopes for her quitting, higher than my own I think. She is the toughest person I know and I think if she can make it through this we both will kick this forever. I’m trying not to fuss over her too much because obviously that’s annoying so I’m writing it here that I’m SO PROUD she made it 24hrs!!

I flirted with starting my own business & took no good, relevant photos about it


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Pictured: the cat doing what she does best & me in Cabbagetown looking smug

Back in the spring when I thought I was going to die if I had to work any longer at my old job I got a kick in the pants from M, my brother and sister-in-law to start selling my apothecary line. I was all set up to write a business plan, I had a mentor, a volunteer designer and everything when I got my new job and bailed on the whole plan. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with that plan now, I still want it, but I’m so happy at my new job that I don’t know anymore…Owning my own business is expensive and scarey and uncertain, and oh so attractive. I’m new at my job so who knows, maybe the decision will be easier later. We’ll see…

So what next? Now that summer is over…


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Pictured: Elora Beach, Ukrainian Church Graffiti @ Trinity-Bellwoods, Cabbagetown House Dreams & Lido Pimienta at the
In Honour Festival
(Aug)

I took a short read through my past posts before starting to write this and almost all my posts talked about looking for, searching, wondering about happiness. I think more than anything those posts, along with my silence on this blog, have really highlighted just how incredibly depressed I’ve been for the past xx years. Maybe it was Saturn Returns, some big life changes, closing out my 20ies and starting my 30ies, struggling to find my place in the world, and feeling pretty damn knocked around but its been a helluva slog through hard times this past while. I’m not making any promises that I’m in a better place but I am feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long ass time and I’m hopeful that this means I am rounding a healthier corner.

My biggest preoccupation these days is figuring out what my hobbies are again. Years of beating myself up over school and being broke as shit has erased what I used to do to entertain myself. It’s fall so I’m going to start knitting again, I’m going to spend some serious time working on my apothecary stuff again, maybe I’ll blog more, I want to take a perfume making course, and learn how to make terrariums, this house needs some love because I’ve pretty much been ignoring that I live here, I need to make some friends god damn it. Friends would help a lot…

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even plant friends


Old Family Photos

 Photo 2012-12-30 11 10 07 PMMy mom’s family (she’s the littlest in this picture sitting in my grandfather’s lap). Sitting is my grandfather (Fred) & grandmother (Marie), I never met either of them. Standing are my uncles Don (left) and Gerry (right), and aunts Elaine (left) and Shelley (right).  Photo 2012-12-30 11 09 15 PM

My grandfather (Fred Woloshyn) on my mom’s side. This is his candidate picture from when he ran as an MP.Verna - BrideMy dad’s parents. Grandma (Verna) and grandpa (Harald) on their wedding day. I don’t know what year.

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My great aunt Thelma (grandfather’s sister) and my grandparents on my dad’s side wedding day.Photo 2013-01-06 3 01 18 PM

My dad’s mom (Verna) as a teenager in Dartmouth, NS I believe.

ps. I’ve written about this grandma lots, you can find it here, here, here, here and especially hereRichard, Georgina & William Mercer - 1916

This one is a doozy. Its my great grandfather (Richard) and HIS parents (my great great grandparents on my dad’s paternal side) Georgina and William in 1916. This was taken when Richard was on leave from WW!.

After my trip home in December and this winter what with my dad digging into old family history this winter I’ve amassed a bit of an old family photo collection that I thought I’d share. They are pretty special to me. I tweaked them a little with photoshop to make them clearer but otherwise they are mostly photos or scans of originals floating around family houses these days.

In other news…

It felt like spring was in the air while I was out and about this morning but by afternoon there was another snow storm blowing. I guess its still going to be winter for a while here.

Today was a really get things done day. I had my office hours for the class I’m assisting this semester (nobody came to see me, foolish students). I came home and did some looking for articles for the terrorism section of my lit review (tomorrow is searching and reading day). I jammed out to songza, my new favourite way to listen to music (you can find me under keetham but all there is there are playlists I’ve been excited about the past few days). I found a new blog that I’m excited about. I’m going to post about it tomorrow so I won’t get too into what its about. Suffice to say I pinned A LOT of things from it tonight.

I’m sending love to my step dad and my mom who are on their way to Poland right now. My step dad’s mom passed away last night. I never met her but I’ve heard many stories over the years and am feeling a little sad that I never got to. Mostly I’m feeling sad for my step dad, who just lost his mom and that hurts no matter how old you are.


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Embracing my inner woo

I like to think of myself as a pragmatic person. I don’t follow any kind of religion, in fact I feel sometimes feel (shamefully) disdainful of (organized) religion. When I was out in SF a while back I remember being more than a little put off by the level of woo that was going around. Intrigued, but put off. I think it was the ways in which it encompassed some peoples lives to the point of disconnection from reality that got to me mostly. Anyway, back to my point, being spiritual is not something that I assign as a descriptor of myself. AND YET, I caught myself the other day taking a break from research Alchemy to go through my deck of protection cards for solace. I’m going to let that settle for a second and let you talk in those words and this picture….

///alchemy research + portable fortitude deck + the necklace I wear pretty much every day + a birthday list to myself that includes another crystal, a tattoo and the collective tarot///

I don’t remember why I was researching alchemy. I think it just popped in my head, or I came across a random side bar reference and was all, ‘I wonder what that’s about’. I remember loving the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and being pumped about Alchemy as a topic from then on. After some research I decided that I’m not really that into Alchemy as it stands, but I do still love the symbols and their meaning. I think I just love symbolic meaning.

I mean, obviously I like symbolic meaning. Look at every single one of the tattoos I have, the name of this blog, my own cryptic writing style (about important things). One day I should go into what each of my tattoos mean to me but for now I would like to direct your attention to the necklace I wear pretty much every day, which also has tons of symbolic meaning. The ring is my grandmother‘s wedding ring. She gave it to me just before dementia really took her brain away from us all. There is a really good story attached to that ring, and maybe one day I’ll write the second half of my ode to her (first part linked above), be in the end this ring is really important to me. The amethyst was my birthday present to myself last year (from sparklefarm) and, besides being pretty, it is meant to provide me with power, protection and healing. Things that meant a lot me last year as I was healing from my broken elbow and surgeries. I mean, those things are still important to me, just in different ways now. The other pendant is stone with threads of opal (meaning healing, love, money & luck) in it that my mom and step-dad brought back from Australia. I went to Australia for my first trip on my own, my first real time on my own. Also, it provides the balance that Libra me (yes, horoscopes too) needs in having both parents represented on the chain.

Last is the portable fortitude cards by Corina Dross. She is a Philly based artist and all of West Philly is covered in representations of these cards. So they mean a lot in the sense of them being from where my husband is from and where we hung out. Also, if you can’t read it, the showing card says “Protection from the Impending Flood”. All the cards have protection messages and when I’m feeling stuck or uncertain I pull a few cards and think about their meaning in my life, which I was doing that night, the day before my first day at work. It did make me feel better.

So yeah. Not woo.

/// creepy shot I took with flash ~ kinda woo ///

Okay, maybe just a little….