Stationary Drifting


been a minute

Its been a little while since I wrote here. Haven’t had a whole lot of time for much of anything and frankly the blog is the first thing to fall off. Always.

The move to Toronto has been good, difficult, lonely and worth it.

My new job is rewarding. Not perfect by any means, not the least of which is that its BARELY enough $$ to get by in this expensive ass city (be glad I wasn’t blogging during the apartment hunt, all I can say is “What the Fuck Toronto?” on that one). Its also a normal NGO with its dark underbelly of bad labour politics. I don’t know what it is about NGO’s that bring that out but this one is no different. That said my work is really interesting and is in a field that’s new to me so I’m learning a lot, which I appreciate. Plus I have benefits!! Whoooooo, new glasses and maybe a visit to the dentist is in my future. BIG PLANS.

I think after almost 4 months on the job I’m starting to settle in to what a 9-5 job does to my body. FYI, it makes me ridiculously tired. I’m trying to figure out how to curb my night owl lifestyle into a morning person job. I’m supposed to be at work at 8:30am. I go in for 9am. I prefer a short lunch break over being fucking exhausted all day.

Now that I’m into a big of a work groove I’ve picked up the pace on working on my thesis. It sucks a lot to leave work and go to a library to open my laptop and work some more but I keep trying to tell myself that it will feel amazing once I’m done. Between trying to talk myself out of quitting anyway.

Oh, I’m also working 2 facilitation contracts too. Not exactly sure how that’s supposed to fit in to my days but I’m trying to make it work.

Our new house is almost set up. One more trip to IKEA and we should have all the basics to live with. In retrospect deciding to get rid of everything in Montreal has turned out to be super expensive. No regrets because our brand new bed is wonderous and the house looks amazing with furniture that is not sagging, ripped or coming apart at the seams and all that but the credit card bill is a little scary…Hence the extra contracts I’ve been taking on.

Mars and I have been doing good. The move was hard on us for different reasons, me because I was leaving the only place I had ever really made home. Mars because she was leaving a place that she had just finally figured out. Its been a stressor on our relationship for sure, especially since I leave the house every day and leave Mars alone all week. I think we’ve started to hit our stride though and are definitely happier now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately and what it takes to be happy. Alright, I know its not just been lately but I’m still trying to figure out my happiness stride and what makes me happy. I don’t think I’ve found it yet. I’m not necessarily generally happy at the moment but I think I’m on the right path. Finish the thesis so I can finally go the direction I think I want to go in my career, and also have a social life without guilt. Get my experience at this job and then move on. I can see where the path is, I think its just over the next hill. Get Mars settled here so that we can focus on other things. I want to travel again. My wanderlust has been in a box for years because I haven’t been able to afford it and I know its making me sad.

I’m about to turn 31. Life isn’t over but it does feel a helluva lot more serious at times.

So yeah, that’s my update. No pictures but this play list is helping keep me upbeat on this rainy fall day.

{image from last.fm}

ps. Jolene is about the only song I ever mastered on the guitar AND could sing.

 


I woke up really early. Was going to have a productive morning but was too tired

I am my own worst enemy on this. I don’t know when I started being the type of person who needed to go to bed early, which is fine and all but it hasn’t been matched with with an ability to wake up early (some people would disagree with my definition of early). I’ve been trying to wake up at a reasonable time lately and it is doing basically nothing for me except making me excessively sleepy throughout the day.

Take today for example. I had to take some brownies I made yesterday over to my friend’s house before she left said house at 8:45. I got up with just enough time to put on some wildly inappropriate clothing for interacting with the business folks on the metro at 8am, pushing my hair into what I can best approximate as a pony tail, and stalked off to her place promising myself, as I always do when I have to get up much earlier than usual, that I could crawl back into bed upon returning home. The morning got the best of me though and after leaving her place I decided to walk home and enjoy the morning light/air/feeling of being productive like those working people on the metro, and got it into my head that I would make good use of this early started day. A feeling that stuck around in all its glory for the rest of the morning while I made myself coffee and settled in to ‘read the news’ and drink coffee before ‘getting to work’. As soon as I was installed in my chair the glory faded and I ended up sleepily reading my newest blog obsession until it was way past the time I normally get my shit together. ///Sidebar: Kings & Cosmics is a hilarious blog by a stay at home mom with no intentions of crafting her way to blog fame, plus she is unendingly (not a word) witty which always gets my good graces///

This is not an isolated incident. And is not terrible in and of itself except that I’m watching my window of productivity be horribly shortened to the point that I’m worried that I have literally no productive times. I mean, I’m blogging right now aren’t I? I suppose that’s mildly productive, moreso than being catatonic on the couch, but not enough to make me feel good about myself. If I can’t get working early, I feel ready to ‘relax’ by 5/6pm and my brain checks out entirely by midnight at the latest then when the fuck am I supposed to be a useful person to myself or anyone else?

Sad state of affairs I’m complaining about sleeping and self-directed work time but whatever this is my corner of the www and I can do what I want with it.


Small Things Project: days 16 through 21

Day 16: (feb 20)

Sunlight through my office window and on to the plant I inadvertently named Sonia

Today I am happy for lazing around in bed with my boo and how indulgent that feels. Even if I often feel guilty about how unproductive we can get together, I still love the sweet loving times we have together.

I’m happy paid work, even when it frustrates me or I don’t want to do it. Its nice to know that I am employable even if I’ve been a student for so very long (sigh). And having concrete things to do (unlike my ephemeral thesis), is really gratifying.

I’m happy for the excitement I get from looking at my new blog stats and seeing that people have been reading!

Day 17: (feb 22)

fingernail cutting of a moon. quiet night.

Today I am happy that the contract I was working on got approved and I don’t have to stress about it any more.

I’m happy that even if I stay up really late watching tv on the internet for no damn reason, I can sleep in really late to make up for it. I’m happy that I have the kind of lifestyle that affords that. Even if I feel SUPER guilty about missing the day.

I’m happy that I have the house to myself for a while to make dinner and eat it in the quiet by candle light before going back to marking. Simple dinner, simple pleasures.

day 18: (feb 23)

beautiful day, down by the hair salon you can see the mountain

Today I am happy to be done marking. And that it was all good to go.

I’m happy that Marseau has exciting things going on that keep him going, although I miss him a lot today.

I’m happy for my new hair cut! Its been so long since I got a professional one, from nice queers in a lovely salon.

I’m excited for all the new post ideas I have, even though I don’t have the energy to do them tonight, I’m looking forward to the content changes on the blog. I think I’m fitting into a solid idea.

Day19: (feb 24)

Marseau's DJ name, he always does this whenever we go to le Pick Up

 

Today I’m happy that we had enough money to go out for lunch because neither of us felt like cooking.

I’m happy that I picked up the new Doris Encyclopedia at le pick up’s zine shelf. I loved the Doris Anthology so much, I carried it around like a security blanket for weeks when I got it several years ago. I love the way Cindy Crabb writes, it makes me feel like people out there understand the way I think.

I’m going to put it out there that I hate snow, but I’m happy that it means that I can justify a quiet night at home because I don’t want to go outside. I just want to watch multiple episodes of Numbers and finish knitting Marseau’s hood. I’m also happy that I will be finishing the hood while there’s still snow on the ground so he can stop pestering me about it!

Day 20: (feb 26)

Marseau hanging out in Corrie's installation at Nuit Blanche

I missed yesterday because, well I just missed it.

Today I’m happy for the sun shining through my office window. It makes both me and my plants happy.

I’m happy for the desire to cook returning to me, slowly. I turned off for a bit there but I want it back. I think that Marseau deciding to be vegan has thrown off my small cooking skills and I got a bit discouraged. But I’ve been reading up on vegan cooking for the past while and am trying to learn how to veganize things (with a little bit of cheating). So here’s to enjoying the kitchen again.

I’m also happy for the night that I had last night at Nuit Blanche. I didn’t get to see as much art as I would have liked but I did get to see Corrie‘s piece (which was awesome as usual), and ended the night running into friends at NDQ for a drink at the end of the night. I love that bar, yay for friend owned neighbourhood bars. I’m also happy that despite falling on the stupid ice and hurting my ankle that I didn’t do anything worse to it. I have a tendency to have big injuries from stupid accidents. But that’s another story.

Day 21: (feb 27)

sewing the buttons on M's hood and watching Numb3rs

Today I’m happy to have really needed conversations. To clear the air where it needs to be cleared.

Today I’m happy that I went to bed early (er) last night and got up at a more reasonable time so that I could start to feel like a normal human being again. A productive one that lives in daylight.

I’m excited to get more projects going on so that I can beat this midwinter blues that is shading my enjoyment of life.


sleeplessness

Another late night.

I’m having this problem where I can’t seem to go to sleep at night.

Its not that I can’t sleep, when I actually turn out the lights and commit to sleeping I do for a long time, its that I can’t seem to make myself actually do that at a reasonable time. I stay up late knitting and watching tv on the internet, or listening to music, or the radio. Anything but sleeping.

Its not exactly insomnia, just extreme night owl-ing.

I’m not really sure how to break this habit (If you say will power I will throw my computer at you) Will power doesn’t exist at this time of the night. I think that it becomes less potent as the night gets later. What really is the difference now between 3:15 and 4am? Almost nothing.

I think I’ve shifted my entire sleeping pattern by several hours at this point.


I’m tired

I’m such a night owl. Especially when I’m upset or stressed. Its like if I stay up really late then I’m hiding from the things that are bothering me. That I’m the only one in the world and time is standing still.

I hate falling asleep to the sun rising or the sound of traffic starting up again. It makes me feel like I failed at staving off the next day. It reminds me that time is pushing in on the safety of my bed and that I’m not only going to have to deal with what is coming very imminently but also that I am going to be extra exhausted and cranky while doing so.

I lose all will power when I’m tired. Like going back to bed in the middle of the afternoon is totally reasonable because I’m tired. Like being totally unproductive is fine because I’m tired. Which doesn’t help much because when the night rolls around I’ll be up the whole time again.