Stationary Drifting

Pony Up

Lack of posting lately as I am busy applying to every job I come across. Not to mention trying to fit in my thesis and sleep between that. In the meantime watch this video. I don’t know why but I really really love it. I doubt Ginuwine ever imagined his song being danced to like this! Also Thom Yorke is from Radiohead in case you didn’t know (I didn’t know, never being much of a radiohead fan).

Happy Wednesday everyone. We’re expecting snow here at the end of the week (again) but for now it still feels like spring and that makes me happy.

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Welcome to Calgary

view from the Bow Falls in Banff

view from the Bow Falls in Banff

Okay not exactly welcome welcome since we leave tomorrow but this is the first chance I’ve had to blog since my computer was fixed and since I arrived here almost a week ago so it will have to do.

Mom & Me

Mom & Me

M and I arrived late on xmas eve to the town I spent my pre-teen to teenagehood. My mom still lives here in the house I grew up in with my step-dad. Calgary is the first stop of our 2 week, 2 city, 2 sets of parents tour that M and I are doing to cap off a solid year of living together. Its an intensive of where I’m from but its nice to finally get the chance to show off my roots and spend some more relaxed time with the family. It helps that no one is getting married this time.

Mom's tree

Mom’s tree

Christmas was quiet as usual. We mostly stayed inside, fed ourselves a lot of sugar and read books or talked technology and music. We took a night trip out to Banff for M’s birthday which was beautiful. Its always so fun to travel with Mars and this time was no exception. Especially because it was their first time in the Rockies. The Rockies are breathtaking for me and I’ve seen them many times, it was incredible to see them through M’s eyes and definitely a lot of fun. I’ll post a few pictures at the end of this post. We got a really sweet upgrade to a loft suite with a king sized bed and a fireplace. We didn’t ever want to leave!

Starting a fire in our sweet suite

Starting a fire in our sweet suite

I spent some quality time learning some new things while I was here. Stuff that I will share in later posts (I have a million posts planned right now, I can tell its winter and I’m getting back into writing mode). Also, handmade holidays worked out pretty well, everyone seems to love what they got so far. Recipes and photos will be going up very soon.

Hope everyone else had nice holidays and are excited to start a new year. 2013 man, where did the time go?

 

Driving into the Rockies

Driving into the Rockies

Mars from the loft

Mars from the loft

M's 'gangsta deer' really didn't care that we were that close

M’s ‘gangsta deer’ really didn’t care that we were that close

mountain view

M and the Banff Springs Hotel

M and the Banff Springs Hotel

more mountains

M's new buddy

M’s new buddy

winter can't stop me

winter can’t stop me


April is for resolutions

January is not a good month for resolutions. I feel like the world is ending in January. Its so dark and cold and all I want to do is curl up under the blankets, watch a movie and eat baked goods. Basically winter is like one long pms cycle for me. The beginning of January is the last possible time I ever want to do anything active or motivate myself to do stuff I really really don’t want to do. Besides, everyone knows that the new year starts Sept 1 with the start of a new school semester. I don’t care how long you’ve been out of school, the beginning of fall is when its time to start the calendar over again.

A great time for resolutions is the beginning of spring though. When the snow finally leaves, the air starts to get warmer, hope and enjoyment of life returns, and I have all sorts of new energy. Its the time of the year that I want to clean out all my cupboards and drawers, air out the house and start planting a garden. This is the time of year that I want to make life changes, to make resolutions and really feel like I have a chance of keeping them.

So that said, here are my new season life plans:

1. Be Healthier

This one is a 3 part-er some more immediate term and some longer term, as all get healthy plans are.

– Join a gym

Marseau bought a damn scale this week and now I know how much I weigh. I hate knowing how much I weigh, it makes me so self conscious about my weight. I know that I’ve been gaining weight as I get older (I am constantly reminded of this fact whenever I go home ~ why do people insist on commenting on other people’s weight by the way?). I’m trying to learn to be okay with this fact, and okay with not being the skinny ideal in general. My height, frame, genetics, love of good foods all keep me from looking like a supermodel. I have accepted that and frankly sometimes I think that models kinda look unhealthily skinny. Trying not to comment or judge other peoples’ weight either here. The truth is that ever since I stopped biking because I was too scared/in pain after my accident I haven’t really been getting any exercise. Even if climbing the stairs to my 3rd floor apartment with a load of groceries feels that way. I found a gym that’s 3 blocks away from me that has pilates, and I like pilates (waaaaaaay more than yoga, but that’s a different story), it also has spinning and I don’t know if I like spinning but I want to like it. It has a steam room and a regular gym part (that I’m less excited about) I think that if I like some of the classes I would go frequently and start feeling like I’m getting some exercise and get energy from that. My goal is to get healthy enough to join a boxing gym, I really want to learn how to fight. In the meantime though I just want to drop some weight and feel healthier. I don’t have any particular goal weight and I’m not going to diet/deprive myself. I just want to feel better in general.

Which leads me to my second point:

– Quit smoking

I’ve been a smoker for a long time now, and I’ve been quitting smoking about as long as I have been a smoker. I’ve never been particularly successful at it, in that I don’t think I ever have truly stopped. But its my goal to not smoke anymore by the time I’m 30. This gives me 6months of quitting, possible relapses and learning to be able to see people smoke or go to parties without wanting to smoke myself. Even more difficult will be watching Marseau smoke in front of me and not want one myself too. So, as of today I have a rule that I’m not going to smoke before 6pm. No more daytime smoking. Once that becomes easier I want to go down to no more than one smoke a day. My mid-term goal is to only smoke when I’m drinking by the end of April. Long term is to stop once and for all in 6months. I’ve never felt like I was exactly addicted to smoking, I mean I can stop for days or weeks without feeling shitty or getting cranky. I never have felt like I NEED a smoke. Its just very much a habit for me. Waiting for the bus, after eating a big meal, feeling socially awkward, needing to go outside for a bit, social times with smoker friends, writing a paper or grading and needing a short break, are all reasons to smoke for me. Its been the time filler or self care or stress reliever for me for going on…..8 years now. I can’t believe its been that long! I want to have pink lungs again (or whatever colour they are supposed to be). Plus smoking weakens my immune system and I don’t need more ways to be able to get sick.

Finally:

– Do a cleanse

I’ve never done one of these before. I used to be really disdainful of cleanses (quelle surprise, me being disdainful), maybe its because the people I knew who did cleanses just stopped eating and drank a lot of chili, maple syrup and lemon juice mixes. That always seemed (and still seems) ridiculous to me, and I don’t get how that can be healthy at all. I do get how going back to basics and cleaning out my body make sense though, and I like the kinds of cleanses that people I know now do, which include cutting out a lot of food things that are rough on the system, letting my body relax a bit and slowly reintroducing more complex foods one by one. I’m all into herbs and alt health care so this seems like less of a crazy thing to do than it did year ago. Even if this is the shortest term ‘get healthy’ goal of mine, I think it might be the hardest. Particularly not drinking coffee but also I’m bad at monitoring my food. It will be a good exercise in self-discipline. Which I really need because, life plan #2 is going to require a lot of it.

2. Finish my thesis

This shit is for real. I’ve been letting this large and scary amount of work paralyze me into inaction for way too long (just ask Marseau and my mom ~ the 2 most invested in me finishing). I sit in front of my computer every day and just look at it, and then I get up and tell myself that I need to get groceries, do the dishes, make dinner, finish someone’s bday present, whatever seems more manageable and less terrifying at the moment. The problem is that even if I’m not sitting here looking at it, its looking at me, from inside my head. I wake up early in the morning thinking about it, I feel guilty as soon as I wake up, and every time a friend asks me to do something my brain says that I can’t I should be working. Most people’s reaction to this kind of thing would be to just do it. My response is to ask first if you’ve ever written an academic book that you feel totally unprepared and unqualified to write and then when you do finally finish it you must sit in front of a panel of experts while they tear it apart? Sounds like a stress nightmare to me but its actually my life. Many of you may answer yes to that question, and kudos to you but this shit terrifies me. Which is not to say that I’m not going to do it. I am. Starting today I’m going to work at this like its my job, which of course, it is.

I should probably write something about getting a job and saving money, or being better about calling my family, or sleeping but I already feel like I’ve got a lot down there. The road to self-discipline can’t all be traveled in one day right? I don’t know, probably not, maybe I’ll look into it tomorrow or something….

 


Small Things Project: Day 22 through 27

Day 22: (Feb 28)

Today I am happy for a reason to wake up early. Most days I feel like it doesn’t matter what time I get up to anyone but me. But today I had work to do in the morning before some school meetings. I feel a helluva lot better when I get up and out of bed at a reasonable time. I managed to make coffee, a delicious smoothie and bake bread on top of getting some work done. How’s that for productive? Eat that winter blues.

I’m also happy that I have a thesis related meeting today. I’ve been feeling bad about how little I’ve been getting done on it recently, what with my natural procrastination, TA’ing and the work contract I had. Its good to feel like I’m getting it back in motion.

I’m happy that its sunny out and the snow is melting again.

I’m excited to work on this photo project that Jared and I have, 52 Themes. I will be posting our new week’s worth of photos every Monday.

I’m excited that people are still reading the blog! I check the stats so much and it makes me really happy. Thanks anonymous people!

Day23: (feb 29)

Happy leap day!

I’m happy today that I’m continuing my trend of getting up early and that I managed to get so much done this morning. I’m pushing through the winter blues that make me want to stay in bed forever and forcing myself out of it in order to be productive. Painful tax related call, out of the way, possible fridge purchase on the horizon. I cannot wait to have a full sized fridge again. 8 months with a bar sized fridge isn’t fun, even if I pretend that trying to put groceries away is a game I call Fridge Tetris.

I’m happy that I have friends, like Marty that have such good perspectives on life and that they (she) are willing to have me sprawl out on their (her) couch dramatically in order to detail my latest conundrums. I’m really very lucky that I have friends that like me enough to put up with my “little black cloud” moods and try and help me figure out the mysteries of life.

I’m happy I’m on a project finishing spree and I really hope that it extends over to my thesis. Spring 2012 is going to be all about finishing what I started. I just decided that now.

Day 24: (march 3)

Oh man, I missed a couple of days. I guess that means I was out living life instead of writing. Which is a good thing.

Today, though, I’m spending a quiet night at home and I’m happy for that. For the internet, my knitting and a bed all to myself.

lace shawl for my mom

I’m also happy I got to spend some time with my friends’ tiny dogs, they are loud mouths but they are also cuddly and loving. I’m also glad that I was able to help them out, I feel like my friends give so much to me I like the chance to give back whenever I can.

I’m happy that M is taking a couple of days to go meet up with some friends in Toronto. He has given so much up to come to be here with me that I’m happy he got this opportunity. I know my friends are so important to me, I want to be able to support him in seeing his friends whenever possible. Even though he’s going to be gone for almost 3 days and I’m going to miss him so much.

I’m happy that I got to have a fun night out dancing last night. Its funny how I crave that less and less. Its also funny to see how my body reacts to it. Having a good night out makes my spirits so much higher but my body can’t handle it that often anymore. I’m so tired today the idea of going out again is not even an option.

Day 25: (march 5)

Phew I’ve been slack this week. And this time its not because I’ve been busy. Well, not out of the house busy, my hands have just been otherwise occupied since I’ve been knitting away at my mom’s lace shawl.

Today I’m happy that my boyfriend is coming home from TO finally. I’ve missed his cute face.

I’m happy that I had a productive day. Though I am tired and wish I didn’t have a meeting tonight on top of it all, I’m glad that I had a lot to do.

I’m looking forward to some promising job opportunities that will hopefully clear up this money drought of ours and give us a chance to make some real plans. I’m terrible at living in limbo, unable to make any kinds of decisions so here’s hoping that a job pulls through and will make it possible to make some dreams reality.

I’m excited about my new plants. The tulips are opening and they are red! And the tiny wishing tree,  or “Tree of Enchantment” as the tag says, is just waiting for wishes to be tied into its branches. Wishes that will hopefully turn into reality soon! I think I might get a money tree too. I need all the help I can get!

Day 26: (March 7)

Today I’m happy that it feels like spring finally, I went outside and got some kitcheny things to make cooking that much better! (including a small pot like the one that I said I wanted the other week. What? I got it at a good price!)

I’m excited that I feel motivation to do my research again. This is partially because I just applied for a job I think I have a chance at and am now freaking out a bit about how I’ll work full time and write. Whatever the reason though, I’m glad I’m feeling the burn a bit.

I’m happy that my new tulip plant is flowering and that its still (kinda) light out after 6pm. Spring is coming! I can’t waaaaait.

Day 27: (March 12)

The past week of small things was really up and down. I was not feeling committed to my blog apparently. Oh well, I refuse to beat myself up about a project that is really just for me so here is day 27, 5 days after day 26.

Today I am so so grateful for the spring weather. For making it through the shittiest time of the year, when its so grey and there are far too many layers of clothing to be worn. I’m happy that I can sit at my desk in a tshirt with the windows open and the sweet spring air coming in. I’m happy to be wearing canvas sneakers and my jean jacket. I love the looks on peoples’ faces as they shake off the months of grey slush and how we meet eyes on the street, everyone smiling at each other.

I’m happy for the cheque that came in the mail today, and how that signals the end of a very stressful contract. Also, how it provided M and I the chance to buy a couple of luxury items, new shoes, new jeans. I’m happy to be wearing a pair of unpatched pants. My first in almost a year. It feels good to have a moment of not counting pennies. Along the same lines, I’m happy for the work that has come into our lives and the potential for more. I’m really looking forward to the day that we can move from this very uncertain limbo and start to make real future plans. Plans that we can do more than dream about.

But mostly I’m just happy for spring.


52 Themes: Outdoor Activities

Week 1 is up!

Jared picked the first theme, which was Outdoor Activities. Being that he lives in LA there was a bit of a bias in his favour on this week because he didn’t have to freeze his fingers off trying to find a shot. He was his week to choose though and I was game.

One thing I learned is that I don’t really do that many winter outdoor activities except walking to/from the grocery store, market, friends houses and metro. So that was really my theme for this week. What I find in my daily outdoor walks. I added a couple of anti-outdoor activities for the housebound winter, just to make my point about hibernation. And I did a small study on snow/ice since that’s the main factor in outdoor activities this time of the year.

Feedback is more than welcome. I’m a little rusty with the digital. Make sure to check out Jared’s post from his this week, hint its a really great series of kids playing basketball. And check back next Monday for the new theme.


Small Things Project: days 16 through 21

Day 16: (feb 20)

Sunlight through my office window and on to the plant I inadvertently named Sonia

Today I am happy for lazing around in bed with my boo and how indulgent that feels. Even if I often feel guilty about how unproductive we can get together, I still love the sweet loving times we have together.

I’m happy paid work, even when it frustrates me or I don’t want to do it. Its nice to know that I am employable even if I’ve been a student for so very long (sigh). And having concrete things to do (unlike my ephemeral thesis), is really gratifying.

I’m happy for the excitement I get from looking at my new blog stats and seeing that people have been reading!

Day 17: (feb 22)

fingernail cutting of a moon. quiet night.

Today I am happy that the contract I was working on got approved and I don’t have to stress about it any more.

I’m happy that even if I stay up really late watching tv on the internet for no damn reason, I can sleep in really late to make up for it. I’m happy that I have the kind of lifestyle that affords that. Even if I feel SUPER guilty about missing the day.

I’m happy that I have the house to myself for a while to make dinner and eat it in the quiet by candle light before going back to marking. Simple dinner, simple pleasures.

day 18: (feb 23)

beautiful day, down by the hair salon you can see the mountain

Today I am happy to be done marking. And that it was all good to go.

I’m happy that Marseau has exciting things going on that keep him going, although I miss him a lot today.

I’m happy for my new hair cut! Its been so long since I got a professional one, from nice queers in a lovely salon.

I’m excited for all the new post ideas I have, even though I don’t have the energy to do them tonight, I’m looking forward to the content changes on the blog. I think I’m fitting into a solid idea.

Day19: (feb 24)

Marseau's DJ name, he always does this whenever we go to le Pick Up

 

Today I’m happy that we had enough money to go out for lunch because neither of us felt like cooking.

I’m happy that I picked up the new Doris Encyclopedia at le pick up’s zine shelf. I loved the Doris Anthology so much, I carried it around like a security blanket for weeks when I got it several years ago. I love the way Cindy Crabb writes, it makes me feel like people out there understand the way I think.

I’m going to put it out there that I hate snow, but I’m happy that it means that I can justify a quiet night at home because I don’t want to go outside. I just want to watch multiple episodes of Numbers and finish knitting Marseau’s hood. I’m also happy that I will be finishing the hood while there’s still snow on the ground so he can stop pestering me about it!

Day 20: (feb 26)

Marseau hanging out in Corrie's installation at Nuit Blanche

I missed yesterday because, well I just missed it.

Today I’m happy for the sun shining through my office window. It makes both me and my plants happy.

I’m happy for the desire to cook returning to me, slowly. I turned off for a bit there but I want it back. I think that Marseau deciding to be vegan has thrown off my small cooking skills and I got a bit discouraged. But I’ve been reading up on vegan cooking for the past while and am trying to learn how to veganize things (with a little bit of cheating). So here’s to enjoying the kitchen again.

I’m also happy for the night that I had last night at Nuit Blanche. I didn’t get to see as much art as I would have liked but I did get to see Corrie‘s piece (which was awesome as usual), and ended the night running into friends at NDQ for a drink at the end of the night. I love that bar, yay for friend owned neighbourhood bars. I’m also happy that despite falling on the stupid ice and hurting my ankle that I didn’t do anything worse to it. I have a tendency to have big injuries from stupid accidents. But that’s another story.

Day 21: (feb 27)

sewing the buttons on M's hood and watching Numb3rs

Today I’m happy to have really needed conversations. To clear the air where it needs to be cleared.

Today I’m happy that I went to bed early (er) last night and got up at a more reasonable time so that I could start to feel like a normal human being again. A productive one that lives in daylight.

I’m excited to get more projects going on so that I can beat this midwinter blues that is shading my enjoyment of life.