Stationary Drifting


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Oh Geez: Another Pre-Birthday Update & once again considering a return to blogging

I’m back….again

I experimented briefly with another blog space, which was basically just me nerding out about picking names and designs and writing nothing. In the end leaving Stationary Drifting just doesn’t make sense to me. I have it tattoo’d on me for christsake.

It seems like it’s time for my semi-yearly check in, and a lot has changed.

Superficially, my hair got shorter


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and I continued to confuse the world about my gender. I do what I want and define nothing okay? It’s easier for everyone that way.

I got a new job & took a mini vacation (Niagara Falls)


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Pictured: M & I represented as finger puppets won at an arcade & the less impressive falls but the less misty one so dry enough to take photos of.

I don’t think I want to rate the importance of changes in my life, but man has this one ever made a big difference. I think I had been underestimating just how important my work is to me, and just how much a shitty job can drag me down (& let’s not talk about the effects of a shitty paying job in an expensive city). I moved back into the field I’ve been working in for years (women & youth, violence prevention, capacity building), got a boost in title (I’m a manager now!), am working nationally again, and am working for a pretty big deal (in my world) organization. I gotta say I love it. It feels so good to go into work every day and feel pumped about it. Some days I find myself procrastinating on leaving work at the end of the day because I’m enjoying myself so much, which is ridiculous and obviously I have to stop doing that but it says a lot.

Honestly the last time I felt this way about a job was about 7 years ago, which means about 7 years of just getting by/surviving/keeping my head down or being unemployed. Not a good time. It has only been a month by my spirits have lifted significantly.

I quit school & feel SO much calmer about life


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Pictured: Lake Ontario from the train, Kawartha Area, College St Clouds, Lake Tasso

Although it was not a decision I came to lightly, I do not regret it for a second. I love being a grad school drop-out, and I love that I no longer feel so fucking terrible about myself and my inability to get it done. I had moved past the point of wanting to get or do a master’s a long time ago and was pushing through because of some sense of duty or fear. It took me a long time to finally decide and many tears were shed but I haven’t looked back. Not once.

M & I have been together 4 years


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Pictured: M @ Allen Gardens this spring, the 2 of us before a night out & first day of summer on the streetcar

See what I mean about not ranking these updates? Because obviously this is a giant one. 2 years married and 4 years together. We have hit a new stride, one that is a lot more honest and comfortable. I really think it has taken me this long to relax and believe that she is sticking around. I think its also taken this long to figure out how to communicate with each other. Which is not to say that its perfect all the time but jesus, its light-years better than 4 years ago. I feel incredibly happy and lucky to be in love with her. Our life together is quiet, happy and mutually supportive, which is the best ever basically.

My G’ma passed away & I have a lot of feelings


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Pictured: my G’ma in her late 20ies & tiny snap dragons living in a construction site

I feel all sorts of ways about this and I have put away processing this for a time that I feel stronger. My Grandma meant a lot to me and was also a very complicated woman. She was essentially my only grandparent (my mom’s mom not really being a big presence in my life and my grandfathers gone before I remember them). Her passing was both something to grieve and feel relief over. Dementia is a truly terrible thing and I don’t think anyone, particularly her, wanted to see how far it could get. Her endings gave me some inkling of the nature of the human spirit, and how love and humour can transcend seriously dark places. At the same time her decline was so painful and so humbling. She wasn’t perfect or easy, she has a past that continues to affect all the generations of her offspring but she was fierce, smart, loyal, independent and creative. She followed her dreams to a fault and has inspired the lot of us in doing the same.

We got a cat – She has a Salvador Dali mustache & about 9 names


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She is an absolute monster of a chatty, meow bag, who wakes me up way too early in the morning and is pretty damn finicky about her litterbox for a shelter cat. She a sweet little mustachioed biter and a much loved pain in the ass. I took a sick day back in April and while M & I were wandering around the neighbourhood in search of quiet places to peek at we walked by the SPCA at the end of our block. We had both been staunchly avoiding going in since we arrived in Toronto and I warned as we walked in that we would probably be walking out with an animal. Which is what we did. We were thinking a dog but after a short while in the really sad, really loud dog kennel part we walked up into the quiet haven of the cat kennels and decided that maybe this was better for us. M picked the cat out, and as soon as I saw her mustache I was in love. We did think about it, for an hour or so while we bought groceries, but our hearts were stolen and they still are. Running list of names (both official and none official) used include, in order: Soda, Little Butt, Smoo/Smooboo, Rooster, Now Now, Lola Spinx, Duckie, also Fluff Face and Cat/Chat (pronounced Shat).

I’m quitting smoking…again & got stitches from washing the dishes


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Pictured: My hand in January after an early morning dish washing accident, a full day’s work, only to go straight to the hospital afterwards to get 3 stitches. That said, the TeleHealth in Ontario is excellent. Also pictured is me feeling joyous, not knowing that another go at quitting is in my near future.

I’m writing this down even though its barely been 24hrs since I quit. I find that writing it down makes it more official. I was in the shower the other day, reflecting as I do, about my upcoming 32nd birthday and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a smoker anymore. It has been officially 10 years, and I don’t even really enjoy it anymore though it does have its purposes. I think I’m ready.

I should probably be more accurate and say that WE are quitting smoking. My poor M is currently sadly in bed sleeping off some hard feelings. She is/was a far heavier smoker than me so this hits a lot harder. It helps that we are quitting together because I’ve tried to quit on my own while she smokes and it fucking sucks. It also makes my thirst and cravings for sweet things seem pretty pale in comparison to my suffering wife. I have really high hopes for her quitting, higher than my own I think. She is the toughest person I know and I think if she can make it through this we both will kick this forever. I’m trying not to fuss over her too much because obviously that’s annoying so I’m writing it here that I’m SO PROUD she made it 24hrs!!

I flirted with starting my own business & took no good, relevant photos about it


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Pictured: the cat doing what she does best & me in Cabbagetown looking smug

Back in the spring when I thought I was going to die if I had to work any longer at my old job I got a kick in the pants from M, my brother and sister-in-law to start selling my apothecary line. I was all set up to write a business plan, I had a mentor, a volunteer designer and everything when I got my new job and bailed on the whole plan. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with that plan now, I still want it, but I’m so happy at my new job that I don’t know anymore…Owning my own business is expensive and scarey and uncertain, and oh so attractive. I’m new at my job so who knows, maybe the decision will be easier later. We’ll see…

So what next? Now that summer is over…


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Pictured: Elora Beach, Ukrainian Church Graffiti @ Trinity-Bellwoods, Cabbagetown House Dreams & Lido Pimienta at the
In Honour Festival
(Aug)

I took a short read through my past posts before starting to write this and almost all my posts talked about looking for, searching, wondering about happiness. I think more than anything those posts, along with my silence on this blog, have really highlighted just how incredibly depressed I’ve been for the past xx years. Maybe it was Saturn Returns, some big life changes, closing out my 20ies and starting my 30ies, struggling to find my place in the world, and feeling pretty damn knocked around but its been a helluva slog through hard times this past while. I’m not making any promises that I’m in a better place but I am feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long ass time and I’m hopeful that this means I am rounding a healthier corner.

My biggest preoccupation these days is figuring out what my hobbies are again. Years of beating myself up over school and being broke as shit has erased what I used to do to entertain myself. It’s fall so I’m going to start knitting again, I’m going to spend some serious time working on my apothecary stuff again, maybe I’ll blog more, I want to take a perfume making course, and learn how to make terrariums, this house needs some love because I’ve pretty much been ignoring that I live here, I need to make some friends god damn it. Friends would help a lot…

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even plant friends

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1 Comment

angers

Ugh, I’ve been a real pill the last little while. I’ve been trying to pin down why I’ve been in SUCH a bad mood and I’ve come up with a few things

1. Having to quit my job over the extreme conflict/mess it’s in, and the emotional hangover that’s given me

2. Having to quit my job and be back on the job hunt. Which is always such a depressing task

3. The exhaustion from working all the time

4. The lack of money back in my life and having to cancel my health coaching which I was so excited about

5. Its grey. Every day.

6. Lack of time to myself/alone time. Sometimes this apartment is too small.

There’s probably more but this could devolve pretty quickly into a pill of a post. Suffice to say that I’m not feeling like very much fun lately and mostly just want to hide in bed watching multiple episodes of Sons of Anarchy and wishing that I was in a biker gang or in southern cali. Either would do.

I don’t really have any good ideas of how to get over myself at the moment. But if I come up with any here’s hoping they involve getting my shit back together.


4 simple goals: #3

Okay, its been a while since I posted about my simple goals and there are a lot of reasons for that. Not the least of which is that I haven’t had any real time to blog over the past while. I realized the other day that I am working 4 jobs at the moment AND trying to write my thesis. This means that I work a 40hr work week, and come home to work on at least 2 other jobs at night. For example, last Tuesday I worked from 10-6, came home and had a skype meeting for a facilitation contract I’m doing from 6:30-8pm, and then worked on my TA’ing stuff from 8-10pm. I didn’t even touch my thesis. Somewhere in there I’m trying to see M, maybe a couple of friends, call my family and do laundry and any number of other life things that need to happen. It doesn’t really allow for a lot of ‘me time’. Which I think is the thing I miss the most from my student life. Time to cook, check out the neighbourhood, do projects and crafts, listen to the radio, etc etc.

It also means that I haven’t been that good at keeping up with my goals.

Simple Goal #1 of eating more fresh plants has been going okay. I’ve been trying to consciously make sure that there is plant matter in my meals but the fresh stuff has been harder to keep on top of. Given the fact that I don’t really have time to grocery shop, or am too tired to grocery shop, I haven’t been as good about this as I could be. I’m going to try and redouble my efforts the rest of this month though and try to have some at least once a day and work up from there.

Simple Goal #2 has been kind of a flop. M and I spent a lot of time shopping last weekend with my little bit of birthday money and I found 1 cardigan and a cheap stretchy skirt. I like these 2 items a lot but given the amount of time, the number of stores I went into and the things I tried on, it was pretty dismal and I ended up spending my money on film, beads and food. The usual. I’m thinking I might foray into online shopping and see if that yields me better results. If anyone has experience in buying clothes online please send tips. I don’t really like the idea of buying things I can’t try on and am worried I’m going to spend a lot of time sending things back. But I like shops like ASOS, Ruche and Modcloth so hopefully I can find better things. The internet is an amazing place isn’t it?

So, with the so far rounding success moderate optimism of the first 2 goals. Here is SIMPLE GOAL #3: plan direction of stationary drifting

I’ve been really enjoying blogging since I moved over from tumblr earlier this year. I kind of prefer the static nature of an independent blog where I’m not so concerned about people reading, reblogging, networking, etc. Don’t get me wrong, tumblr can be really great for a lot of reasons. I’ve seen some amazing community building happen there but that wasn’t really what I was going for when I decided to start logging my life on the internet so here I am over here now.

I’ve gotten pretty into blogging since then, and into following other people’s blogs. I’ve been using the flipboard app on my ipad to keep track of all the ones I like to read on a daily basis (though I hear bloglovin’ is good too) and through following other people and a fair amount of nerding out on my part I’ve started trying to envision this blog as something more design friendly and aesthetically pleasing, on top of being my online personality. I’m not going to lie, I like the communities that I’ve seen happen through blogs, and (a little bit) the recognition from posting useful things. I certainly like watching my readership spike and grow. SO I’ve been thinking about buying my domain name and fooling around with graphics and making this place uniquely my own.

The reason this is on my goals list for fall is because partially its to remind me to put some attention towards this, and partially its to remind me to do little projects for myself for no other reason than because they make me happy. The blog itself is a project, the projects that happen on this blog are projects and the stuff I blog about are often projects too. Its a reminder to keep myself creative and in touch with myself. In that way, even just doing the small things project as often as I can has helped in keeping me grounded in thinking about the good things in my life and in having a small project to feel happy about. I think this might be the most successful goal I have so far and thank the universe for that.

So you can expect some geekiness around blogging, graphic design, programming and the internet to come out here over the next few months. I’ve been relying pretty heavily on the advice posted on a beautiful mess (also the ladies who inspired these goals). So yea, blogging. Gonna start doing more of that.


New Blog Categories

I’m rearranging my site (again). I’ve been thinking for a while that I should move it over to wordpress.org so that I have more/all control over how this place is set up, how it looks and be able to add some plug-ins that I would be pumped about having. I just can’t decide if its worth the work and money to do that. This is not exactly a site that generates a lot of readership (hi dad), and it doesn’t really have any kind of a concise theme, plus I’m a bit off and on about it….BUT, I do want to turn it into the kind of blog that I would be proud to show off my ranting on, and I like the idea of owning the stationarydrifting url. I’m really into other peoples blogs and blogging in general so I’ve been wanting to ‘upgrade’ as it were to play with the mid-leagues. I don’t know, thinking of a pro/con list right now, and maybe need to spend some real time thinking about what I want to do with this corner of the web before investing all this time and energy. It is worth it to make me work it?

/// I realize that Missy Elliott is not even remotely talking about the same thing ///

ANYWAY, that was all a very random way of setting up the fact that I wanted to say a little thing about how I have rearranged and updated my categories (again).

SO without further ado I give you:

About – wherein you can find some basics about me, my sketchy plan for stationary drifting (for now), and how to find me on other social media sites. Minus the book of faces and twitter because I still feel pretty private about those ones.

Write/Say – which is where I post my rants (stationary drift), my project where I try and write something good every day to maintain a certain balance and gratitude in my life and try and avoid getting depressed at times (small things project), and where I post things that are exciting me mostly stuff I want enough to take off my pinterest boards and make a big deal about in the hopes that someone who might be looking for a present for me would take notice, or just to highlight for myself ({wishlist}). Occasionally I write things worth saying in public, but mostly I just write things I want to get off my chest.

Make/Do – this category is where you can see some things I do beside ranting and/or complaining on the internet. I post pictures, reviews, and recipes of food I’ve tried making lately, mostly baked goods because let’s be honest that’s what I like to eat more than anything else in the world (eating). I also have a category about my brief/failed attempt at a cleanse this spring, I’m leaving it up there partially because I want to inspire myself to try again and partially because there’s some good information in it. Also, its the one link on my blog that draws continual attention, usually from pinterest (spring cleanse). I put all my posts about the crafting I do and remember to post about, from sewing to knitting to otherwise diy’ing my house up so that it looks like I have some sort of a life (making). ANDDD, if you know me you know that I’m pretty into alternative medicines, especially herbal remedies and home make body and cleaning products. I’m starting to get more into making stuff at home so whenever I do something new or learning something new it will go up here, remember that I’m no expert though so don’t take what I say as medical advice. Its a bit skimpy at the moment but trust, it will get bigger (healing).

Look/See – I.love.photography. So expect to see more of this than anything else under this category. I have 5 cameras and my phone which I use to take pictures nearly all the time. Most of my cameras are film so whenever I develop my latest roll or have some quality polaroids I post them kind of en masse. This is a section of the site I really want to grow to encompass my real love of taking pictures (photography). I know that this is kind of sounding like a failed project theme but I took a bit of a blogging break over this summer while I got married and found a job, I really want to get back to the photography project my brother and I were doing. I have a goal this year of challenging myself to see the world through a lens differently (52 themes). Last but (kind of) not least, I’ve been feeling like my personal style could use some updating now that I’m about to finish my MA, and married and am weeks away from my 30th birthday. I’m not really a genderqueer punk-y kid anymore but unfortunately my clothes don’t really reflect that. So I’m setting myself a whole category to document clothes I like, thrift, see, outfits I try, etc. I’m not going to pretend I have the ability to have a style section or that I have really any interest in making this into a style blog but hey, if you’re interested in talking or reading about the style of an almost 30, queer, hard femme, and how to make that work this is the category to look under (reluctant style ///under construction///).

Okay, so that’s that. Check back and tell me what you think, if you’re actually there. Comment if you feel so inclined, its nice to have something other than spam comments every now and then. And please do share your thoughts about free hosting vs. self-directed blogs. I really am trying to figure out what to do.


Small Things Project: Day 56 (sept 10)

It is COLD!
Okay , not really, it’s actually pretty reasonably temperatured out, but in comparison to this summer which was usually stupid dumb hot, i’ve been pretty damn chilly the past couple of days.
I am happy for getting to pile tons of blankets on the bed and cuddle down in them with some netflix.
I went to a cute community event yesterday at the Platz bar. A bunch of people were selling clothes and kids had a cupcake/lemonade stand set up, M was playing music, someone had tacos going. I bought a couple of interesting things, like this shirt, which is huge and makes me laugh.

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///instagram shot because my camera sucks and I don’t want to fool with all that///
I’m happy that M and I took a quiet day to sleep in and be together today. Not that we don’t have tons to do but it feels like our time together has a end date because I start my job in a few days. It doesn’t really but it will be much more limited than it is now.
We’re about to head out to meet my Aunt Margaret for dinner. I like it when she comes through town because she doesn’t want a lot of time but the time we have is always really nice, so I’m happy for that.


Small Things Project: Day 54 (sept 8)

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!
I’m still feeling like I can jinx it and they will take it back but I’m trying to let the idea of having a job be real in my brain. I’ve been searching for so.fucking.long I can hardly believe it.
So I’m definitely happy for that.

I’m also happy for getting back on my bike yesterday. It was definitely nerve wracking to be in traffic so I was uber defensive, yelling at drivers for very small mistakes, but the feeling of being on my bike and free was super and that feeling is sticking with me today so I’m happy for that.

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//behold the night time quiet streets and by far my most favorite biking time//

Hanging out and going dancing with friends was really great last night too. I laughed and caught up with good people. Danced my ass off to incredible Dj’s, and enjoyed my bike ride home so much I almost considered continuing to ride around for a bit when I got home because I wasn’t ready to stop biking.

I booked a tattoo appointment! I’m very happy and excited for that!

Also I bought myself some funny pants, that are making me excessively happy. Pictures to come.

But really though, the job is the best part.


Small Things Project: Day 50-53

I’m posting another batch of small things because I’ve decided to stop gathering them for a week (or several months) and posting all at once and instead post day by day as I write them. That way they don’t moulder in my drafts folder and I can stop feeling bad about the huge gaps in time. So yeah, new plan….

Day 50: (Aug 21)

Today I am happy for a slow start and some quality time with M. It hasn’t been an easy month for either of us and unfortunately when we get busy and stressed we tend to make each other last. So it was nice to have a moment to talk and be together last night and to wake up slowly together this morning.

I’m also especially super grateful to my mom today (and most days) for her help in getting me out of a tough spot financially. I’m not super happy with myself for being almost 30 and still needing help but I’m so so happy that I have the kind of parents that are willing to provide a bit of a safety net for when I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Its a privilege I don’t take lightly.

I’m happy that I’ve had a couple of interviews in the past week and I have my fingers crossed as usual that I’ll finally catch a break and get a job. Its been a long process, and not a little depressing. I’m really looking forward to the day that I don’t have to be counting pennies quite so much.

Day 51: (Aug 23)

Today I’m struggling to be happy about anything. I’m happy that we found M’s phone because it was really going to suck to have to buy him a new one, and the look of yay and relief on his face when I pulled it out of the couch after looking in it for the millionth time was really sweet. I’m happy that I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything with anybody today. I’m not feeling particularly social of late. I’m happy that Mood, Mars and I got to go to a restaurant pre-opening last night and eat a ton of really good food for free. That was pretty awesome.

Day 53: (Aug 25)

Yesterday wasn’t a day worth writing about. It was the kind of day where reading one article and having a shower qualified as productive. Today is the kind of day where I’m making new (secret) plans and am considering doing some baking, which would require cleaning the kitchen so how ’bout that for productivity.