Stationary Drifting


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On doing what you love

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what makes me happy and what I want to do with my life. This is not to say that I don’t always think about things like this (ahem, my yearly birthday meltdown). This process has just been a lot more productive lately.

I turned 30 this year which made me sit back a bit and think about what my next steps are. That coupled with my near constant job hunting (boo economy), and my decision that academia really isn’t for me (don’t get me started on ranting about my thesis), has set me on a track of trying to figure out how to have the life that I want. Part of my conclusion has been to stop “going with the flow” so much and start making intentional decisions about what to do next. Life may work out in its own way, and will whether I make plans or not, but I want to be a more active participant in what that looks like.

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Another source of this inspiration is that I’ve been reading a lot of blogs from people who are working for themselves in creative ways and making a living while doing what they love. I want to wake up every day excited about what I do and not going through the motions to get a pay cheque. Going through the motions is no kind of life. Life is short, people always say, but it can also be really long if you spend it sitting at a desk for hours a day not doing things that inspire you.

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So to that end I’ve been starting to do some research into things that I only ever considered to be hobbies before and figuring out how I can do those things as my life’s work. I’ve been trying to allow myself to imagine what it would be like to get to do those things all day every day, instead of trying to fit them in at the end of work days. Part of that is putting more intention into this blog and how I can do what I love and share it (which I also love). I don’t want to spill too many of the beans before I know what they all are. Suffice to say that I’ll be experimenting around with this space a bit for the next while. It may be a little scattered and the look will change often. I’m new at this and I’m doing a lot of behind the scenes research too. Hopefully I’ll be able to launch something exciting sometime this spring

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4 simple goals: #3

Okay, its been a while since I posted about my simple goals and there are a lot of reasons for that. Not the least of which is that I haven’t had any real time to blog over the past while. I realized the other day that I am working 4 jobs at the moment AND trying to write my thesis. This means that I work a 40hr work week, and come home to work on at least 2 other jobs at night. For example, last Tuesday I worked from 10-6, came home and had a skype meeting for a facilitation contract I’m doing from 6:30-8pm, and then worked on my TA’ing stuff from 8-10pm. I didn’t even touch my thesis. Somewhere in there I’m trying to see M, maybe a couple of friends, call my family and do laundry and any number of other life things that need to happen. It doesn’t really allow for a lot of ‘me time’. Which I think is the thing I miss the most from my student life. Time to cook, check out the neighbourhood, do projects and crafts, listen to the radio, etc etc.

It also means that I haven’t been that good at keeping up with my goals.

Simple Goal #1 of eating more fresh plants has been going okay. I’ve been trying to consciously make sure that there is plant matter in my meals but the fresh stuff has been harder to keep on top of. Given the fact that I don’t really have time to grocery shop, or am too tired to grocery shop, I haven’t been as good about this as I could be. I’m going to try and redouble my efforts the rest of this month though and try to have some at least once a day and work up from there.

Simple Goal #2 has been kind of a flop. M and I spent a lot of time shopping last weekend with my little bit of birthday money and I found 1 cardigan and a cheap stretchy skirt. I like these 2 items a lot but given the amount of time, the number of stores I went into and the things I tried on, it was pretty dismal and I ended up spending my money on film, beads and food. The usual. I’m thinking I might foray into online shopping and see if that yields me better results. If anyone has experience in buying clothes online please send tips. I don’t really like the idea of buying things I can’t try on and am worried I’m going to spend a lot of time sending things back. But I like shops like ASOS, Ruche and Modcloth so hopefully I can find better things. The internet is an amazing place isn’t it?

So, with the so far rounding success moderate optimism of the first 2 goals. Here is SIMPLE GOAL #3: plan direction of stationary drifting

I’ve been really enjoying blogging since I moved over from tumblr earlier this year. I kind of prefer the static nature of an independent blog where I’m not so concerned about people reading, reblogging, networking, etc. Don’t get me wrong, tumblr can be really great for a lot of reasons. I’ve seen some amazing community building happen there but that wasn’t really what I was going for when I decided to start logging my life on the internet so here I am over here now.

I’ve gotten pretty into blogging since then, and into following other people’s blogs. I’ve been using the flipboard app on my ipad to keep track of all the ones I like to read on a daily basis (though I hear bloglovin’ is good too) and through following other people and a fair amount of nerding out on my part I’ve started trying to envision this blog as something more design friendly and aesthetically pleasing, on top of being my online personality. I’m not going to lie, I like the communities that I’ve seen happen through blogs, and (a little bit) the recognition from posting useful things. I certainly like watching my readership spike and grow. SO I’ve been thinking about buying my domain name and fooling around with graphics and making this place uniquely my own.

The reason this is on my goals list for fall is because partially its to remind me to put some attention towards this, and partially its to remind me to do little projects for myself for no other reason than because they make me happy. The blog itself is a project, the projects that happen on this blog are projects and the stuff I blog about are often projects too. Its a reminder to keep myself creative and in touch with myself. In that way, even just doing the small things project as often as I can has helped in keeping me grounded in thinking about the good things in my life and in having a small project to feel happy about. I think this might be the most successful goal I have so far and thank the universe for that.

So you can expect some geekiness around blogging, graphic design, programming and the internet to come out here over the next few months. I’ve been relying pretty heavily on the advice posted on a beautiful mess (also the ladies who inspired these goals). So yea, blogging. Gonna start doing more of that.


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Embracing my inner woo

I like to think of myself as a pragmatic person. I don’t follow any kind of religion, in fact I feel sometimes feel (shamefully) disdainful of (organized) religion. When I was out in SF a while back I remember being more than a little put off by the level of woo that was going around. Intrigued, but put off. I think it was the ways in which it encompassed some peoples lives to the point of disconnection from reality that got to me mostly. Anyway, back to my point, being spiritual is not something that I assign as a descriptor of myself. AND YET, I caught myself the other day taking a break from research Alchemy to go through my deck of protection cards for solace. I’m going to let that settle for a second and let you talk in those words and this picture….

///alchemy research + portable fortitude deck + the necklace I wear pretty much every day + a birthday list to myself that includes another crystal, a tattoo and the collective tarot///

I don’t remember why I was researching alchemy. I think it just popped in my head, or I came across a random side bar reference and was all, ‘I wonder what that’s about’. I remember loving the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and being pumped about Alchemy as a topic from then on. After some research I decided that I’m not really that into Alchemy as it stands, but I do still love the symbols and their meaning. I think I just love symbolic meaning.

I mean, obviously I like symbolic meaning. Look at every single one of the tattoos I have, the name of this blog, my own cryptic writing style (about important things). One day I should go into what each of my tattoos mean to me but for now I would like to direct your attention to the necklace I wear pretty much every day, which also has tons of symbolic meaning. The ring is my grandmother‘s wedding ring. She gave it to me just before dementia really took her brain away from us all. There is a really good story attached to that ring, and maybe one day I’ll write the second half of my ode to her (first part linked above), be in the end this ring is really important to me. The amethyst was my birthday present to myself last year (from sparklefarm) and, besides being pretty, it is meant to provide me with power, protection and healing. Things that meant a lot me last year as I was healing from my broken elbow and surgeries. I mean, those things are still important to me, just in different ways now. The other pendant is stone with threads of opal (meaning healing, love, money & luck) in it that my mom and step-dad brought back from Australia. I went to Australia for my first trip on my own, my first real time on my own. Also, it provides the balance that Libra me (yes, horoscopes too) needs in having both parents represented on the chain.

Last is the portable fortitude cards by Corina Dross. She is a Philly based artist and all of West Philly is covered in representations of these cards. So they mean a lot in the sense of them being from where my husband is from and where we hung out. Also, if you can’t read it, the showing card says “Protection from the Impending Flood”. All the cards have protection messages and when I’m feeling stuck or uncertain I pull a few cards and think about their meaning in my life, which I was doing that night, the day before my first day at work. It did make me feel better.

So yeah. Not woo.

/// creepy shot I took with flash ~ kinda woo ///

Okay, maybe just a little….


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4 simple goals: #2

 

Like I blogged about last week Elsie over at a beautiful mess and her partner have been writing down and trying to stick to 4 simple goals per season. And, like I said, I’m a big fan of goal lists so I’ve decided to participate in the plan too. I, maybe, am less of a ‘stick-to-the-list’ type of person but I’m kind of enjoying these goals, mostly because I took Elsie’s advice and pick things that I’m excited about, may not do otherwise, and that can really add something to my life.

For those that have been following along, reading thoroughly, I’ve had a bit of bumpy starts to the first goal. Turns out that I’m kind of out of the habit of eating fresh fruit and veggies every day. I’m glad I have this goal though because its shone a light on that lack in my diet. Its not that I don’t like fresh produce, I really really do, I’ve just been kind of bad about keeping them stocked in my house/have been shitty about cooking for myself so the stuff I buy has been turning into science experiments in the bottom of the crisper. Oops. Anyway, I’m working on it, on having at least one serving a day and working up. Now that goal #1 is underway let me know introduce:

‘SIMPLE GOAL #2’ : explore a new 30 year old style

The presentation of goal #2 comes at an opportune moment because I was just looking at the date and thinking something along the lines of, “holy shit I turn 30 in 12 days!”. That’s less than 2 weeks. I’ve been anticipating this birthday all my life. I’m not joking. For some, unexplained reason in my family the idea of a champagne birthday (that’s not what we called it has kids, I’m forgetting what we used to call it) was something we talked about a lot. Maybe it was because my brothers’ had theirs at 5 and 8, and my parents had all had theirs by the time we were old enough to conceive of different times in life, I always felt left out of this tradition. This remembering of what my year was like the year of my champagne birthday. So that, coupled with the fact that I think pretty much everyone has some major reflecting for their 30th. The whole, leaving my youth behind and entering a new era (at least mentally?) has been on my mind has my years crept closer and closer to the day. I remember the Christmas I was 27 my mom announced to me that I was closer to 30 than I was to 25 (she was wrong, I wasn’t exactly half way until April and I told her so). I guess I’ve always been a little focused on my age. I usually spend the whole month leading up to my birthday in a bit of a ‘what does it all mean????????’ head space. Just ask my loved ones, I can be a bit of a pill.

ANYWAY, this is all a preface to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about where I want to be and who I want to be when I’m 30. I’m not going to go into all the ways in which I’ve built up/freaked out about turning 30, I would never subject anyone to my mind on that level but looking at the way that I dress and style myself has been something that I would like to shift into what a 30yr old me would be into.

I don’t exactly have an image in mind of what I want. A little more colour, more patterns, more carefully selected/curated things, with seams (ie: less cut off bits), things that fit well, things that make me feel good. My 20ies were characterized somewhat by my refusal to play into my perception of a mainstream idea of womanhood, the kind that was pushed on me in my hometown. I’m not saying that I want to lose my punk/queer influences and start wearing khakis and polos. I just want to move into a style that seems to fit the idea of an adult me that fits my perception of a married me, a master me (soon!), a gainfully and professionally employed me. I want to play more with gender, with femininity, with my body shape and size. Basically I want 30yr old me to be mature playful.

SO my #2 goal this season is to find some pieces &/or some ideas that lead me towards all of this. AND, the added bonus (besides new clothes), the part that fits with the enriching my life, is comfort in my skin. The kind of comfort I’ve been working towards and exploring up until now, and probably will continue to work towards my whole life.


Bad Blogger

I don’t actually know what happened…I suddenly became terrible at blogging. Maybe I got more interested in Pinterest…I know that I’ve been spending less time in front of the computer, my days have been spent a little more running around. I also started a major addiction to Bones, I’ve been spending all my spare time watching that. I quit my cleanse, Marseau made a big soul food dinner about a week into it and I couldn’t say no, them I was totally off it and couldn’t convince myself to get back on. I feel guilty about that, and since I’ve been tracking it here I guess I was avoiding it. Jared got a job and the two of us kinda stopped taking pictures. I haven’t been very into writing down ‘small things’ they were feeling kinda repetitive. I lost energy, filled my time up with other things and haven’t written here in too long.

new month new start amiright? May will be back to the gym, back to the blog, back to the books, back to philly? Not necessarily in that order. Wedding planning is in hyper gear so I’ll probably be writing about that. Amongst other things. PULLING THE THREADS BACK TOGETHER PEOPLE.


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Hair cut day!

 

Okay, I know it’s really not that exciting for everyone else but it’s really exciting for me! I haven’t gotten a professional hair cut in so so so long, I don’t even remember what it’s like to sit in a chair and not tell myself that if the person messes up my hair it’ll just mean I’ll have a quirky do. And by that I mean, I haven’t really had to put my total trust in someone’s hands with my hair in a long time.

{Sidenote: my friends that cut my hair do a good job of what I ask for and I do trust them, I just expect less. Whatever, just believe me that it’s a different feeling.}

Anyway, I’m went to a highly recommended friend of a friend, Julie Matson over at Salon Identite hoping for the best.

See i had been rocking a really short greaser cut for a long time and decided that maybe I wanted a change this summer, so I’ve been cutting the back and rocking a kind of choppy bowl/mushroom cut for a while. Basically I haven’t touched anything else except to shave the nap and back of my head every couple of moths. It’s been looking fine but it’s grown out all different lengths and is getting too long to look like it was intentional any more. So i made the appointment and headed down.

And I wasn’t disappointed. I got a really cute cut that feels light and fun. I still have to let it grow on me a bit, get used to how it feels and what it looks like after I wash and (don’t) style it. But I’m really happy with how it turned out. Spring time here I come!

Did you here that sping? I’m ready!

ps. I’m having some trouble with formatting, but I think its pretty clear that they are before and after pics right?

pps. isn’t my outfit cute? Its from the thrifting adventure Marseau and I had last weekend. Will update about that soon.


one more time for good measure

my grandma in 1972 - also my tumblr avatar

(from my tumblr – March 8, 2010)

I’m starting another blog. there. I said it so it must be true.

I have countless blogs currently riding the tides of the internet, 2 that I can remember (though I don’t remember their url’s or passwords), most likely more than that. I never really kept up with them though. Something about using an openly public space in order to journal made it seem like I was invading my own privacy.

I can’t kid myself any more though. I have all the ‘social networking’ tools now. I post my whereabouts, inner thoughts, external angst, and general lifestyle news to it constantly. Nothing I do it private anymore. I have more tools to tell people how I’m doing than I have things going on in my life.

so why add another blog to that?

because I need a reason to write again for absolutely no reason.

Grad school is killing the desire to come home and just write it out because that “I got shit to say dammit! what was the question?”. My creative mind is buckling under the pressure of being creative within heavy constraints. So I’m hoping that by starting a blog I’ll be able to liberate my thoughts rediscover why I love putting the proverbial pen to paper and letting loose. Maybe it will also help me overcome my fears of writing academically in the process. Either way I remember loving writing and I want it back.

because I wanna be able to write everything I want with no space constrictions, no followers, no friends and no comments.

140 characters is messed. I have no desire to constrain my thoughts to just enough words that people get the sense that I’m happy/sad/angsty/joyous/completely losing it without actually knowing the fullest of the full reason why. I’ve got lots more to say that 140 characters. I have pages and pages of poorly spelled, non-grammatical, barely thought-out, misinformed, IMPORTANT things to report. Take your 140 characters and tweet it to your followers. I need more space than that.

and while I’m on the topic of followers/friends. I love them all (well…most of them) I really do. I love that people care enough to see a posting of mine and call me up to see if I’m alright. I love the graffiti on the internet feel of scrawling a love note late at night for all (we’re friends with) to see. I really do. Makes a girl who moves around to much for her own good feel just a tiny bit connected without the overwhelming herself with emails to respond to. What I don’t love though, what I am bitter about, is the fact that I’ve started feeling my emotions through status updates. That scares me. I wanna let it all out and launch it into space without worrying how people are going to take it. I wanna screw some of my self-censoring and go all polyamourous with the internet. Love me if you want to, I’ll delete your comments if you don’t.

because my paper journal is collecting dust and I’m head over heals for my computer.

I care about my moleskin a lot. I have volumes and volumes of beat up black journals lining the shelves of my room. They have been my journals, rant space, recipe & address book, agenda, list/note/to do holder, life stenographer. The way I find things in them is by remembering where I was in life when I wrote that certain thing down. Those books and I go way back, we’re comfortable together. But I can’t help it. I finally got a mac a couple of years ago and I love it, I never want to be away. It’s a silly techno-crush but I can’t shake it.

So I’m taking my words to the computer and throwing them into the internet wind.

and that’s why I’m starting a(nother) blog.