Stationary Drifting


Queer Pop

Man, I do not have enough words to say how lovely this event was. Lots of good people performed. PopMontreal and PucesPop were happening in the streets and in locations nearby. It was a beautiful late summer/early fall day. And I felt happy.

I was really nice to volunteer at a sweet event and get to meet all sorts of new people and reconnect with folks that I don’t see often or only see in party spaces. I joked that all our queer membership dues were called in for this event because so many of us were performing, dj’ing, volunteering and attending. But truthfully, it was just a fun event.

I’ll just leave it with some phone photos of the day. There are none of M performing because my phone couldn’t handle the dark when he performed.




/// Dj’s J’vlyn & Sam looking hot and spinning the latest from 7 years ago /// Classic sunny day in the Mile End /// Being artsy and honestly taking my favourite photo of a long time /// Neighbourhood flare /// Its not a queer event without massive amounts of bikes /// Pam being an excellent sound tech, organizer & babe /// Rae taking a break from organizing to do their thing on stage /// QueerPop love, aka entry stamp

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Small Things Project: Day 63 (sept 24)

I’m happy for being busy even if its stressing me the hell out right now.

I’m happy that my birthday is coming up really soon and I’m looking forward to spoiling myself/being spoiled a bit. Its been a great and also tough year and I’m pumped to do some special things.

I’m happy for queer pop and queer community. I spent the day volunteering there yesterday and when I get the chance this week I’m going to blog about it.

For now I’m going to bed because I’m happier when I get enough sleep.


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4 simple goals: #2

 

Like I blogged about last week Elsie over at a beautiful mess and her partner have been writing down and trying to stick to 4 simple goals per season. And, like I said, I’m a big fan of goal lists so I’ve decided to participate in the plan too. I, maybe, am less of a ‘stick-to-the-list’ type of person but I’m kind of enjoying these goals, mostly because I took Elsie’s advice and pick things that I’m excited about, may not do otherwise, and that can really add something to my life.

For those that have been following along, reading thoroughly, I’ve had a bit of bumpy starts to the first goal. Turns out that I’m kind of out of the habit of eating fresh fruit and veggies every day. I’m glad I have this goal though because its shone a light on that lack in my diet. Its not that I don’t like fresh produce, I really really do, I’ve just been kind of bad about keeping them stocked in my house/have been shitty about cooking for myself so the stuff I buy has been turning into science experiments in the bottom of the crisper. Oops. Anyway, I’m working on it, on having at least one serving a day and working up. Now that goal #1 is underway let me know introduce:

‘SIMPLE GOAL #2’ : explore a new 30 year old style

The presentation of goal #2 comes at an opportune moment because I was just looking at the date and thinking something along the lines of, “holy shit I turn 30 in 12 days!”. That’s less than 2 weeks. I’ve been anticipating this birthday all my life. I’m not joking. For some, unexplained reason in my family the idea of a champagne birthday (that’s not what we called it has kids, I’m forgetting what we used to call it) was something we talked about a lot. Maybe it was because my brothers’ had theirs at 5 and 8, and my parents had all had theirs by the time we were old enough to conceive of different times in life, I always felt left out of this tradition. This remembering of what my year was like the year of my champagne birthday. So that, coupled with the fact that I think pretty much everyone has some major reflecting for their 30th. The whole, leaving my youth behind and entering a new era (at least mentally?) has been on my mind has my years crept closer and closer to the day. I remember the Christmas I was 27 my mom announced to me that I was closer to 30 than I was to 25 (she was wrong, I wasn’t exactly half way until April and I told her so). I guess I’ve always been a little focused on my age. I usually spend the whole month leading up to my birthday in a bit of a ‘what does it all mean????????’ head space. Just ask my loved ones, I can be a bit of a pill.

ANYWAY, this is all a preface to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about where I want to be and who I want to be when I’m 30. I’m not going to go into all the ways in which I’ve built up/freaked out about turning 30, I would never subject anyone to my mind on that level but looking at the way that I dress and style myself has been something that I would like to shift into what a 30yr old me would be into.

I don’t exactly have an image in mind of what I want. A little more colour, more patterns, more carefully selected/curated things, with seams (ie: less cut off bits), things that fit well, things that make me feel good. My 20ies were characterized somewhat by my refusal to play into my perception of a mainstream idea of womanhood, the kind that was pushed on me in my hometown. I’m not saying that I want to lose my punk/queer influences and start wearing khakis and polos. I just want to move into a style that seems to fit the idea of an adult me that fits my perception of a married me, a master me (soon!), a gainfully and professionally employed me. I want to play more with gender, with femininity, with my body shape and size. Basically I want 30yr old me to be mature playful.

SO my #2 goal this season is to find some pieces &/or some ideas that lead me towards all of this. AND, the added bonus (besides new clothes), the part that fits with the enriching my life, is comfort in my skin. The kind of comfort I’ve been working towards and exploring up until now, and probably will continue to work towards my whole life.


New Blog Categories

I’m rearranging my site (again). I’ve been thinking for a while that I should move it over to wordpress.org so that I have more/all control over how this place is set up, how it looks and be able to add some plug-ins that I would be pumped about having. I just can’t decide if its worth the work and money to do that. This is not exactly a site that generates a lot of readership (hi dad), and it doesn’t really have any kind of a concise theme, plus I’m a bit off and on about it….BUT, I do want to turn it into the kind of blog that I would be proud to show off my ranting on, and I like the idea of owning the stationarydrifting url. I’m really into other peoples blogs and blogging in general so I’ve been wanting to ‘upgrade’ as it were to play with the mid-leagues. I don’t know, thinking of a pro/con list right now, and maybe need to spend some real time thinking about what I want to do with this corner of the web before investing all this time and energy. It is worth it to make me work it?

/// I realize that Missy Elliott is not even remotely talking about the same thing ///

ANYWAY, that was all a very random way of setting up the fact that I wanted to say a little thing about how I have rearranged and updated my categories (again).

SO without further ado I give you:

About – wherein you can find some basics about me, my sketchy plan for stationary drifting (for now), and how to find me on other social media sites. Minus the book of faces and twitter because I still feel pretty private about those ones.

Write/Say – which is where I post my rants (stationary drift), my project where I try and write something good every day to maintain a certain balance and gratitude in my life and try and avoid getting depressed at times (small things project), and where I post things that are exciting me mostly stuff I want enough to take off my pinterest boards and make a big deal about in the hopes that someone who might be looking for a present for me would take notice, or just to highlight for myself ({wishlist}). Occasionally I write things worth saying in public, but mostly I just write things I want to get off my chest.

Make/Do – this category is where you can see some things I do beside ranting and/or complaining on the internet. I post pictures, reviews, and recipes of food I’ve tried making lately, mostly baked goods because let’s be honest that’s what I like to eat more than anything else in the world (eating). I also have a category about my brief/failed attempt at a cleanse this spring, I’m leaving it up there partially because I want to inspire myself to try again and partially because there’s some good information in it. Also, its the one link on my blog that draws continual attention, usually from pinterest (spring cleanse). I put all my posts about the crafting I do and remember to post about, from sewing to knitting to otherwise diy’ing my house up so that it looks like I have some sort of a life (making). ANDDD, if you know me you know that I’m pretty into alternative medicines, especially herbal remedies and home make body and cleaning products. I’m starting to get more into making stuff at home so whenever I do something new or learning something new it will go up here, remember that I’m no expert though so don’t take what I say as medical advice. Its a bit skimpy at the moment but trust, it will get bigger (healing).

Look/See – I.love.photography. So expect to see more of this than anything else under this category. I have 5 cameras and my phone which I use to take pictures nearly all the time. Most of my cameras are film so whenever I develop my latest roll or have some quality polaroids I post them kind of en masse. This is a section of the site I really want to grow to encompass my real love of taking pictures (photography). I know that this is kind of sounding like a failed project theme but I took a bit of a blogging break over this summer while I got married and found a job, I really want to get back to the photography project my brother and I were doing. I have a goal this year of challenging myself to see the world through a lens differently (52 themes). Last but (kind of) not least, I’ve been feeling like my personal style could use some updating now that I’m about to finish my MA, and married and am weeks away from my 30th birthday. I’m not really a genderqueer punk-y kid anymore but unfortunately my clothes don’t really reflect that. So I’m setting myself a whole category to document clothes I like, thrift, see, outfits I try, etc. I’m not going to pretend I have the ability to have a style section or that I have really any interest in making this into a style blog but hey, if you’re interested in talking or reading about the style of an almost 30, queer, hard femme, and how to make that work this is the category to look under (reluctant style ///under construction///).

Okay, so that’s that. Check back and tell me what you think, if you’re actually there. Comment if you feel so inclined, its nice to have something other than spam comments every now and then. And please do share your thoughts about free hosting vs. self-directed blogs. I really am trying to figure out what to do.


It Gets Fatter!

A good friend (and neighbour!), her friends, and the internet at large, have started this amazing new video project called It Gets Fatter (tumblr & also vimeo). Its a space to for People of Colour (POCs) who identify as fat, and also queer, to submit videos and written stuff talking about their experiences with fatness and body loving (or not). Its a brand brand new project that has been going on for barely a week and so far a few really powerful videos have been posted about fatness vs. health and how they are not always connected, self-acceptance and learning to love your body no matter what others tell you.

Here’s a video example that really touched me:

A lot of the videos have touched me, and have made me want to delve a little into my own feelings about my body and how I get through tough situations with my family and in life. I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts folder for months now called ‘On Being Thick’ but never really had the courage to work it out in words and moreover to post it publicly until now. So thanks It Gets Fatter folks for opening up that dialogue and pushing me to have the guts to put it out there.

The reason the above video struck a nerve with me is because Jackie talked about her experiences within her family and their feelings around her size. It is obviously very intense when the people who raise you talk negatively about your body, and I was lucky not to have that experience growing up. I was a very tiny child; short, skinny, and rocking nicknames like ‘squirt’ and ‘spaghetti legs’ (the last one was bestowed by my great-grandmother because I had long, very thin legs). It wasn’t until I hit puberty, and honestly not until my late teens that I started to gain weight for real. Its been a slow progress and has depended a lot on how active my year has been but I’ve been steadily gaining every since.

Comments about my weight started a few years ago, when I began to push the okay height to weight ratio in some of my family’s eyes. Its rarely been direct, mostly comments on how good I looked the last time I was home because I was thinner, or how I look good now as opposed to the last time because last time I was overweight and this time I was thinner. A lot of it has been indirect, and probably not aimed at me at all but comments about personal weight gain or loss definitely affect me, as well as comments from family members about how concerned they are about my dad’s weight followed by comments about how much I look like my dad. Most of the time it was meant to compliment me, or at least not to hurt me but its really hard not to take it personally when people look at me and then decide that a conversation about weight loss would be something I’d be into hearing.

I’m having difficulty saying this because I love my mom to bits and she has been my champion in so many ways, ways that I could never thank her enough for, but when it comes to my weight I’ve recently had a few experiences with her that have really stuck with me, they both involved shopping for clothes for me together, both in the past year. Last December I was looking for something to wear to my brother’s wedding in Vegas, it was last minute and we didn’t have a lot of time, plus my mom hates shopping even more than me. I remember going to store after store trying to find something that fit, and taking longer than she had patience for to find something because I just couldn’t get that comfortable combination of style and fit that I needed to feel good. I distinctly remember feeling like I had to apologize to her for my weight, not that she was asking me to but because I felt bad about being too big to fit most of the cute things she liked. I felt a lot of shame in that moment and that I had to explain myself. I stumbled through a few tries but in the end I didn’t really have an explanation, the truth is that by a lot of standards I’m not  plus sized, mall clothing just runs small in a totally mean way. It wasn’t my fault, but in that moment I felt like it was. The second time was when we were emergency shopping for a replacement wedding dress for me and my mom suggested I try on a girdle, something that she would NEVER consider wearing and, prior to me getting to the size that I am now, would probably have railed against. Its taken me a while to deconstruct that moment, and in the end I feel like my mom thought that I needed it in order to look ‘better’ in my dress. I tried it on, hated the feeling of it and the feeling behind it and decided against it. To her credit she didn’t push it but the idea that my mom thinks I’m too chubby to look good has stuck with me.  After many conversations with M about shapewear I’ve come to the conclusion as to why I’m not into it. Its not that I’m against other people wearing it for whatever reason they want to wear it, but for me I feel like I’m lying to myself about how my body looks and hiding the parts of my body that I’m struggling to love won’t make me love it any more.

Phew, still feeling iffy about that last paragraph so I’m going to move on to this really powerful video submitted to It Gets Fatter by msqueenly (who has many blogs) about being poor, black, queer and fat.

This video is important for so many reasons, and I would love to have, heard, or read further discussions of the intersections of all the points they brought up, especially around invisibility and how movements co-opt the voices of people struggling under multiple oppressions, but for this moment I want to highlight this particular point”

“it isn’t a journey of how i decorate my body with nice clothes, nice shoes, lingerie, accessories, you know. it’s not that type of journey. that’s not how i validate my fatness or my queerness or my blackness or how i talk about my poor experiences because, of course, being poor means you don’t have the money to do those things for a lot of people.”

which makes me want to stand up and clap. I’ve been trying to articulate my uncomfortableness with some blogging I see and also with some body positive blogging I see. I love it when people get excited about decorating their bodies, however they see that to be, and I definitely appreciate a visually pleasing outfit. I also get that when it comes to fatness and body positivity a lot of it is about challenging how my, your, their body is SEEN, so blogs of people dressing hot and refusing to hide their fat bodies is great and challenging and so wonderful. I guess I’m just a little disappointed that that’s as far as a lot of people take discussions about personal fashion and adornment. While clothes, accessories, tattoos, piercings, whatever are personal expressions of self and are rad in their own ways, I don’t feel like its the be all, end all of this discussion. ESPECIALLY when we’re trying to talk about body acceptance and inclusion. Dressing well is great and all but we can’t stop there. There are so many other ways this manifests in my life, to speak for myself. It manifests in how I eat in public, how I take up space, how and when I exercise, how I sit, how I dance, how I hold my body, how people see my body. It’s an awesome feeling to be wearing something hot and tight, but that feeling can very quickly be flipped to feeling shitty as soon as I catch the eye of someone who does not feel that I look awesome in my hot, tight outfit. And that feeling is not something that can always be addressed by more great outfits. Nor is it always possible to have the clothes that make me feel pumped about my body. Lately its been about making clothes work and/or fit because my current life doesn’t support new outfits, or really anything beyond the basics.

Anyway, I haven’t really done justice to msqueenly’s video or even that one quote because it means so much more than what I feel I can say on the topic right now but I just want to put it out there that this is a really great project, one that has made me want to talk out loud about my feelings ‘on being thick’. I have a lot more growing into my feelings and thoughts about this, and especially more growing into the wider topic but I love that this conversation is happening and that so many rad people are blasting open the body positivity conversation and making people think about how the intersections of identity change, influence, support and contradict how we talk about bodies, fatness, and self-love. So cheers to that.

And to this:

from the ‘fat acceptance! Yay!’ pinterest board

Freida made me queer

my first queer hook up was with a girl (who’s name I can’t even remember) that was dressed as Freida Khalo at a very straight bar/party in Halifax. She told me she thought I was attractive and asked if I was a homo, I said no and then kissed her.  So started my affinity for Freida images, and my gayffinity for being a queermo. Much gratitude out to that person for being open to my mixed signals.

(by Daniela Henríquez)