Stationary Drifting


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angers

Ugh, I’ve been a real pill the last little while. I’ve been trying to pin down why I’ve been in SUCH a bad mood and I’ve come up with a few things

1. Having to quit my job over the extreme conflict/mess it’s in, and the emotional hangover that’s given me

2. Having to quit my job and be back on the job hunt. Which is always such a depressing task

3. The exhaustion from working all the time

4. The lack of money back in my life and having to cancel my health coaching which I was so excited about

5. Its grey. Every day.

6. Lack of time to myself/alone time. Sometimes this apartment is too small.

There’s probably more but this could devolve pretty quickly into a pill of a post. Suffice to say that I’m not feeling like very much fun lately and mostly just want to hide in bed watching multiple episodes of Sons of Anarchy and wishing that I was in a biker gang or in southern cali. Either would do.

I don’t really have any good ideas of how to get over myself at the moment. But if I come up with any here’s hoping they involve getting my shit back together.


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Small Things Project: Day 73 (oct 16)

Today I’m happy for a really interesting and engaged group of people who brought all sorts of good questions and ideas to our Transformative Justice workshop tonight. I’m happy for the collective members I have the pleasure of working with and how awesome they are at what they do. Also for generally being awesome people.

I’m happy for this new stress relief tincture I bought. The market on tuesdays across from where I work is really cute and there’s a woman who makes all sorts of great herbals from organic, handpicked stuff, and its seasonal! I wanted to ask her to teach me everything but instead I bought the tincture and gazed longingly at the winter balm and elderberry syrup. Maybe another week. I would post her link if I could find the energy to go find her card in my wallet. Will do it tomorrow and write about whether the tincture is good or not. Yeah for supporting local independent business!

I’m happy that M has the energy to make dinner tonight because all I have the energy for is pinterest. My day started at 8am and ended at 9pm. I’m supposed to be marking right now but I think I had enough work for today.

Once again I’m so grateful to my adviser for being incredible and helping me sort out some big problems with my thesis while simultaneously making me feel capable of doing this thing. I swear that she engages me in discussions about other work I could do just to try and tempt me into a phD. Its not working….yet.


Small Things Project: Day 72 (oct 15)

Today I’m happy for the kind of nights that are quiet and cold so I can wear sweats and my beat up slippers and feel comfortable. These are the nights I was wishing for when it was killer hot this summer. Trying to remember that.

I’m also happy for the inspiration I’m getting in the form of cooking blogs and herbalists. I hope that I can find some herbalism classes to take at night when I’m done traditional school. I feel like I really want to learn more. Kinda wishing I had thought of that sooner in my life and tried that path. I mean, its not too late but some days it kind of feels that way. I guess I have to work on shrugging off that feeling. I’m 30, not old; 30, I’m allowed to change. I’m happy at least for the excitement and passion it brings me. I remember the days when I would wish SO HARD for a passion. Now I feel like I have so many. And I’m really really happy for that.

 


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Small Things Project: Day 65 (oct 2)

Oh MAN I’m tired. Mars is really really sick and I went to bed late, then he woke me up in the night, then I couldn’t get back to sleep, then I had to get up early and work late. Snoooooze. Its 10:30 but it feels like 3am. Working sucks for that.

The main thing that I’m happy for today I have to keep quiet about for the moment because I don’t know how it will turn out and I don’t want to put it out into the internet universe yet.

Instead I’ll say that I’m happy for my health coaching session I had with Sara Seinburg. It was her 1 year anniversary of her practice last month and she was giving away free sessions. I had one yesterday and it was really nice, and kind of emotional. I’m not sure why talking about myself honestly makes me feel teary but it does. Basically what Sara does is work through blocks identified by people from a physical health/nutrition perspective but also a mental health/nutrition perspective. I was really into in and really scared by it. I told her that I wanted to sign up with her but today I’m not so sure. I guess deciding to be accountable for making real change in my life is scary. I’m still not convinced I’m ready, AND I’m not convinced I have the money but I want to explore it. My goal for my 30ies is to be nicer to my body and to myself and this seems like a reasonable place to start. So I’m happy about that no matter what direction it goes.

I’m also honestly happy for my long term friendship with my buddy Mood. He met me downtown and kept me company at my work outreach social that I was too tired to be really social for. I like that guy a lot, I’m happy we’re friends. I know that that’s really cheese-y but its the truth. Hanging out with him makes me happy.

This video also makes me happy. I suggest watching it. 350 million + other people have.

 


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4 simple goals: #2

 

Like I blogged about last week Elsie over at a beautiful mess and her partner have been writing down and trying to stick to 4 simple goals per season. And, like I said, I’m a big fan of goal lists so I’ve decided to participate in the plan too. I, maybe, am less of a ‘stick-to-the-list’ type of person but I’m kind of enjoying these goals, mostly because I took Elsie’s advice and pick things that I’m excited about, may not do otherwise, and that can really add something to my life.

For those that have been following along, reading thoroughly, I’ve had a bit of bumpy starts to the first goal. Turns out that I’m kind of out of the habit of eating fresh fruit and veggies every day. I’m glad I have this goal though because its shone a light on that lack in my diet. Its not that I don’t like fresh produce, I really really do, I’ve just been kind of bad about keeping them stocked in my house/have been shitty about cooking for myself so the stuff I buy has been turning into science experiments in the bottom of the crisper. Oops. Anyway, I’m working on it, on having at least one serving a day and working up. Now that goal #1 is underway let me know introduce:

‘SIMPLE GOAL #2’ : explore a new 30 year old style

The presentation of goal #2 comes at an opportune moment because I was just looking at the date and thinking something along the lines of, “holy shit I turn 30 in 12 days!”. That’s less than 2 weeks. I’ve been anticipating this birthday all my life. I’m not joking. For some, unexplained reason in my family the idea of a champagne birthday (that’s not what we called it has kids, I’m forgetting what we used to call it) was something we talked about a lot. Maybe it was because my brothers’ had theirs at 5 and 8, and my parents had all had theirs by the time we were old enough to conceive of different times in life, I always felt left out of this tradition. This remembering of what my year was like the year of my champagne birthday. So that, coupled with the fact that I think pretty much everyone has some major reflecting for their 30th. The whole, leaving my youth behind and entering a new era (at least mentally?) has been on my mind has my years crept closer and closer to the day. I remember the Christmas I was 27 my mom announced to me that I was closer to 30 than I was to 25 (she was wrong, I wasn’t exactly half way until April and I told her so). I guess I’ve always been a little focused on my age. I usually spend the whole month leading up to my birthday in a bit of a ‘what does it all mean????????’ head space. Just ask my loved ones, I can be a bit of a pill.

ANYWAY, this is all a preface to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about where I want to be and who I want to be when I’m 30. I’m not going to go into all the ways in which I’ve built up/freaked out about turning 30, I would never subject anyone to my mind on that level but looking at the way that I dress and style myself has been something that I would like to shift into what a 30yr old me would be into.

I don’t exactly have an image in mind of what I want. A little more colour, more patterns, more carefully selected/curated things, with seams (ie: less cut off bits), things that fit well, things that make me feel good. My 20ies were characterized somewhat by my refusal to play into my perception of a mainstream idea of womanhood, the kind that was pushed on me in my hometown. I’m not saying that I want to lose my punk/queer influences and start wearing khakis and polos. I just want to move into a style that seems to fit the idea of an adult me that fits my perception of a married me, a master me (soon!), a gainfully and professionally employed me. I want to play more with gender, with femininity, with my body shape and size. Basically I want 30yr old me to be mature playful.

SO my #2 goal this season is to find some pieces &/or some ideas that lead me towards all of this. AND, the added bonus (besides new clothes), the part that fits with the enriching my life, is comfort in my skin. The kind of comfort I’ve been working towards and exploring up until now, and probably will continue to work towards my whole life.


Bad Blogger

I don’t actually know what happened…I suddenly became terrible at blogging. Maybe I got more interested in Pinterest…I know that I’ve been spending less time in front of the computer, my days have been spent a little more running around. I also started a major addiction to Bones, I’ve been spending all my spare time watching that. I quit my cleanse, Marseau made a big soul food dinner about a week into it and I couldn’t say no, them I was totally off it and couldn’t convince myself to get back on. I feel guilty about that, and since I’ve been tracking it here I guess I was avoiding it. Jared got a job and the two of us kinda stopped taking pictures. I haven’t been very into writing down ‘small things’ they were feeling kinda repetitive. I lost energy, filled my time up with other things and haven’t written here in too long.

new month new start amiright? May will be back to the gym, back to the blog, back to the books, back to philly? Not necessarily in that order. Wedding planning is in hyper gear so I’ll probably be writing about that. Amongst other things. PULLING THE THREADS BACK TOGETHER PEOPLE.