Stationary Drifting


Small Things Project: day 64 (Sept 25)

Today I am happy that my thesis advisor is so cool. I really just enjoy her company and passion and she always makes me feel like I’m capable of doing this, which is not an easy task at this point. One time she made me tear up because she went on a rant about how smart I am at a time that I was feeling really dumb. I really respect her and I’m trying not to feel too much pressure to live up to her expectations of me.

I’m also happy that my stress at work was significantly eased by a really good, realistic meeting today. Things still seem possible but the timeline has been somewhat adjusted to reflect reality, which makes me feel a helluva lot better about how this whole thing is going to roll out.

I’m happy for rad, intergenerational organizing groups too. I almost skipped out on a meeting I had tonight with a bunch of other prisoner justice groups here in Montreal but I sucked it up and went. I’m really happy I did because I learned A LOT, met a lot of cool people, and left feeling like Montreal has a much more solid PJ community than I ever imagined. I also signed up to get clearance at one of the local federal prisons so that myself and another person in my collective could go in and do some transformative justice workshops for another group that works with folks on the inside. I’m super pumped about that.

So I’m tired but I feel busy, which is good. Like I said a we a days ago, I need to do more with this life and I feel like I’m starting to start that not-exactly-simple goal.

I’m also really excited for my upcoming birthday, I have a package from my dad and Nancy waiting for me at the post office and I can’t wait to pick it up! I’ve been debating whether I want to wait until my actual birthday to open it and be an adult for once in my life, ooooorrrrr not. We’ll see how I feel once its in my grubby lil’ hands tomorrow…..

I have some posts lined up that just need some finishing touches before I post them but I’m too tired and its too late because I got home so late so they will have to wait until tomorrow. One is a picture of a hilarious outfit I’ve been rocking that I love, another is a photo/weekend round up on queer pop, i have to update on my simple goals and goal #3 this week, and I think there’s a couple brewing on crafting and my views on my gender presentation so hopefully I have some time to put those in queue this week. I’ve been really loving blogging these days (probably partially because its getting cooler and I’m better at projects in the non-summer), so to conclude, I’m happy about that too.

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Fall Wear

/// Bittersweet Striped Cardigan from Sosie /// Pam Breeze-ly Tunic from ModCloth /// Butterscotch Geometric Scarf from Three Bird Nest /// Y-Not Drew Boots from Shoe Carnival /// Tundra Bag from hoakonhelga ///

I feel a bit weird posting these things because I’m not so into turning this into a style blog but I’m just going to have to get over it and decide that not all the things that I do have to be totally meaningful and I have to admit that I follow a lot of style blogs. PLUS it is a ‘simple goal’ of mine for this season so voila, the first of my research into what I want to feel like/look like moving into a new decade of life.

Like I said, I want to get more colour in my life so hence this first shot at thinking about colour in my wardrobe.

Shirts: I’m liking the fall trend towards flow-y-er (not a word but let’s go with it) shirts. I like the mix of not being too body hugging, as I’m still trying to figure out the best way to style my body, and the way that it drapes doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a sack.

Cardigans: I’ve always been into cardigans and I like that they will be a staple this winter to keep me warm, good looking, and colourful.

Scarves: Scarves are a must in Montreal in the every season except summer (and even sometimes then too), this fall/winter I’m going to be going for brighter, more patterned scarves to dress up dark winter outfits and days.

Boots: No surprise on the boots vs weather, but I like these boots for their details. The buttons and dark, but not black leather is classy & classic. I’ve been wanting a pair of high boots for a while but never wanted to have a heal so these are great, good looking ones that have no height. Plus they will dress up my skinny jeans.

Bag: What can I say, I just really like this bag. If I had to justify it it would be because I’ve always really liked the contrast of tough and feminine so the leather with the floral (besides being in style) works for me. This kind of bag is big enough to hold my back and forth to work stuff and other necessities without being a backpack. I love backpacks but I think I need to stray away from the student style.

So there, post number 1 on style. I feel like I need to go on a rant about gender right now but am going to refrain.


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4 simple goals: #2

 

Like I blogged about last week Elsie over at a beautiful mess and her partner have been writing down and trying to stick to 4 simple goals per season. And, like I said, I’m a big fan of goal lists so I’ve decided to participate in the plan too. I, maybe, am less of a ‘stick-to-the-list’ type of person but I’m kind of enjoying these goals, mostly because I took Elsie’s advice and pick things that I’m excited about, may not do otherwise, and that can really add something to my life.

For those that have been following along, reading thoroughly, I’ve had a bit of bumpy starts to the first goal. Turns out that I’m kind of out of the habit of eating fresh fruit and veggies every day. I’m glad I have this goal though because its shone a light on that lack in my diet. Its not that I don’t like fresh produce, I really really do, I’ve just been kind of bad about keeping them stocked in my house/have been shitty about cooking for myself so the stuff I buy has been turning into science experiments in the bottom of the crisper. Oops. Anyway, I’m working on it, on having at least one serving a day and working up. Now that goal #1 is underway let me know introduce:

‘SIMPLE GOAL #2’ : explore a new 30 year old style

The presentation of goal #2 comes at an opportune moment because I was just looking at the date and thinking something along the lines of, “holy shit I turn 30 in 12 days!”. That’s less than 2 weeks. I’ve been anticipating this birthday all my life. I’m not joking. For some, unexplained reason in my family the idea of a champagne birthday (that’s not what we called it has kids, I’m forgetting what we used to call it) was something we talked about a lot. Maybe it was because my brothers’ had theirs at 5 and 8, and my parents had all had theirs by the time we were old enough to conceive of different times in life, I always felt left out of this tradition. This remembering of what my year was like the year of my champagne birthday. So that, coupled with the fact that I think pretty much everyone has some major reflecting for their 30th. The whole, leaving my youth behind and entering a new era (at least mentally?) has been on my mind has my years crept closer and closer to the day. I remember the Christmas I was 27 my mom announced to me that I was closer to 30 than I was to 25 (she was wrong, I wasn’t exactly half way until April and I told her so). I guess I’ve always been a little focused on my age. I usually spend the whole month leading up to my birthday in a bit of a ‘what does it all mean????????’ head space. Just ask my loved ones, I can be a bit of a pill.

ANYWAY, this is all a preface to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about where I want to be and who I want to be when I’m 30. I’m not going to go into all the ways in which I’ve built up/freaked out about turning 30, I would never subject anyone to my mind on that level but looking at the way that I dress and style myself has been something that I would like to shift into what a 30yr old me would be into.

I don’t exactly have an image in mind of what I want. A little more colour, more patterns, more carefully selected/curated things, with seams (ie: less cut off bits), things that fit well, things that make me feel good. My 20ies were characterized somewhat by my refusal to play into my perception of a mainstream idea of womanhood, the kind that was pushed on me in my hometown. I’m not saying that I want to lose my punk/queer influences and start wearing khakis and polos. I just want to move into a style that seems to fit the idea of an adult me that fits my perception of a married me, a master me (soon!), a gainfully and professionally employed me. I want to play more with gender, with femininity, with my body shape and size. Basically I want 30yr old me to be mature playful.

SO my #2 goal this season is to find some pieces &/or some ideas that lead me towards all of this. AND, the added bonus (besides new clothes), the part that fits with the enriching my life, is comfort in my skin. The kind of comfort I’ve been working towards and exploring up until now, and probably will continue to work towards my whole life.


New Blog Categories

I’m rearranging my site (again). I’ve been thinking for a while that I should move it over to wordpress.org so that I have more/all control over how this place is set up, how it looks and be able to add some plug-ins that I would be pumped about having. I just can’t decide if its worth the work and money to do that. This is not exactly a site that generates a lot of readership (hi dad), and it doesn’t really have any kind of a concise theme, plus I’m a bit off and on about it….BUT, I do want to turn it into the kind of blog that I would be proud to show off my ranting on, and I like the idea of owning the stationarydrifting url. I’m really into other peoples blogs and blogging in general so I’ve been wanting to ‘upgrade’ as it were to play with the mid-leagues. I don’t know, thinking of a pro/con list right now, and maybe need to spend some real time thinking about what I want to do with this corner of the web before investing all this time and energy. It is worth it to make me work it?

/// I realize that Missy Elliott is not even remotely talking about the same thing ///

ANYWAY, that was all a very random way of setting up the fact that I wanted to say a little thing about how I have rearranged and updated my categories (again).

SO without further ado I give you:

About – wherein you can find some basics about me, my sketchy plan for stationary drifting (for now), and how to find me on other social media sites. Minus the book of faces and twitter because I still feel pretty private about those ones.

Write/Say – which is where I post my rants (stationary drift), my project where I try and write something good every day to maintain a certain balance and gratitude in my life and try and avoid getting depressed at times (small things project), and where I post things that are exciting me mostly stuff I want enough to take off my pinterest boards and make a big deal about in the hopes that someone who might be looking for a present for me would take notice, or just to highlight for myself ({wishlist}). Occasionally I write things worth saying in public, but mostly I just write things I want to get off my chest.

Make/Do – this category is where you can see some things I do beside ranting and/or complaining on the internet. I post pictures, reviews, and recipes of food I’ve tried making lately, mostly baked goods because let’s be honest that’s what I like to eat more than anything else in the world (eating). I also have a category about my brief/failed attempt at a cleanse this spring, I’m leaving it up there partially because I want to inspire myself to try again and partially because there’s some good information in it. Also, its the one link on my blog that draws continual attention, usually from pinterest (spring cleanse). I put all my posts about the crafting I do and remember to post about, from sewing to knitting to otherwise diy’ing my house up so that it looks like I have some sort of a life (making). ANDDD, if you know me you know that I’m pretty into alternative medicines, especially herbal remedies and home make body and cleaning products. I’m starting to get more into making stuff at home so whenever I do something new or learning something new it will go up here, remember that I’m no expert though so don’t take what I say as medical advice. Its a bit skimpy at the moment but trust, it will get bigger (healing).

Look/See – I.love.photography. So expect to see more of this than anything else under this category. I have 5 cameras and my phone which I use to take pictures nearly all the time. Most of my cameras are film so whenever I develop my latest roll or have some quality polaroids I post them kind of en masse. This is a section of the site I really want to grow to encompass my real love of taking pictures (photography). I know that this is kind of sounding like a failed project theme but I took a bit of a blogging break over this summer while I got married and found a job, I really want to get back to the photography project my brother and I were doing. I have a goal this year of challenging myself to see the world through a lens differently (52 themes). Last but (kind of) not least, I’ve been feeling like my personal style could use some updating now that I’m about to finish my MA, and married and am weeks away from my 30th birthday. I’m not really a genderqueer punk-y kid anymore but unfortunately my clothes don’t really reflect that. So I’m setting myself a whole category to document clothes I like, thrift, see, outfits I try, etc. I’m not going to pretend I have the ability to have a style section or that I have really any interest in making this into a style blog but hey, if you’re interested in talking or reading about the style of an almost 30, queer, hard femme, and how to make that work this is the category to look under (reluctant style ///under construction///).

Okay, so that’s that. Check back and tell me what you think, if you’re actually there. Comment if you feel so inclined, its nice to have something other than spam comments every now and then. And please do share your thoughts about free hosting vs. self-directed blogs. I really am trying to figure out what to do.


dressing up sux

I used to love dressing up and getting fancy. Back when my gender matched my sex a little more perfectly (in the public eye) and back when I fit into standard sizes in mall stores. Let’s just say, “when I was young”.

Now dressing up sending me into a gender identity crisis. I’m uncomfortable in a dress, I feel like I’m playing dress up in all the wrong ways. I’m uncomfortable in a suit, because male suits don’t fit my curves and females ones make me feel like I belong in the cast of dykes to watch out for. Pants never fix, or barely fix, or these-are-the-only-ones-that-fix-so-just-fucking-buy-them. I hate frills, and gathers, and drapey material. Button down shirts of all kinds pull open at my chest. Women’s jackets and most shirts don’t fit how broad I am, or how muscular my arms are. Men’s jackets erase every curve so I look like a box. Whatever I do I feel like I’m parodying myself or some fashion that’s not me. I’m uncomfortable, I’m unhappy, and I’m unsure of what to do about it.

I think the problem really boils down to this. I don’t know what my gender is and so I don’t know how to dress. 95% of the time, the times that I wear jeans and plaid shirts with vneck sweaters, I feel fine-great about my body and who I am. I wear what makes me happy, usually layered with jewelery, and fuck what other people think. I also have the good fortune of living 95% of my time within a pretty accepting queer community. Sure I have my issues with it, no community is perfect, but for the most part I am able to negotiate the spaces I live in with relative ease and happiness.

Except when I have to dress up. Weddings in particular have been the bane of my existence. I need to be fancy enough to look good amongst everyone else in their dresses with heels and suits. I know I’m going to stick out no matter what I do, I always do. Still though, the conundrum.

I just spent all day at the mall in Calgary trying to find something appropriate for my brother’s wedding in Vegas tomorrow. I got something passable but I still feel depressed about it. The outfit is okay, its nice even, but its not what I envisioned and I feel disappointed. 

Anyone out there that has come up with good ways to combat the uncertain fancy blues?