I used to love dressing up and getting fancy. Back when my gender matched my sex a little more perfectly (in the public eye) and back when I fit into standard sizes in mall stores. Let’s just say, “when I was young”.
Now dressing up sending me into a gender identity crisis. I’m uncomfortable in a dress, I feel like I’m playing dress up in all the wrong ways. I’m uncomfortable in a suit, because male suits don’t fit my curves and females ones make me feel like I belong in the cast of dykes to watch out for. Pants never fix, or barely fix, or these-are-the-only-ones-that-fix-so-just-fucking-buy-them. I hate frills, and gathers, and drapey material. Button down shirts of all kinds pull open at my chest. Women’s jackets and most shirts don’t fit how broad I am, or how muscular my arms are. Men’s jackets erase every curve so I look like a box. Whatever I do I feel like I’m parodying myself or some fashion that’s not me. I’m uncomfortable, I’m unhappy, and I’m unsure of what to do about it.
I think the problem really boils down to this. I don’t know what my gender is and so I don’t know how to dress. 95% of the time, the times that I wear jeans and plaid shirts with vneck sweaters, I feel fine-great about my body and who I am. I wear what makes me happy, usually layered with jewelery, and fuck what other people think. I also have the good fortune of living 95% of my time within a pretty accepting queer community. Sure I have my issues with it, no community is perfect, but for the most part I am able to negotiate the spaces I live in with relative ease and happiness.
Except when I have to dress up. Weddings in particular have been the bane of my existence. I need to be fancy enough to look good amongst everyone else in their dresses with heels and suits. I know I’m going to stick out no matter what I do, I always do. Still though, the conundrum.
I just spent all day at the mall in Calgary trying to find something appropriate for my brother’s wedding in Vegas tomorrow. I got something passable but I still feel depressed about it. The outfit is okay, its nice even, but its not what I envisioned and I feel disappointed.
Anyone out there that has come up with good ways to combat the uncertain fancy blues?