Stationary Drifting


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Small Things Project: Day 65 (oct 2)

Oh MAN I’m tired. Mars is really really sick and I went to bed late, then he woke me up in the night, then I couldn’t get back to sleep, then I had to get up early and work late. Snoooooze. Its 10:30 but it feels like 3am. Working sucks for that.

The main thing that I’m happy for today I have to keep quiet about for the moment because I don’t know how it will turn out and I don’t want to put it out into the internet universe yet.

Instead I’ll say that I’m happy for my health coaching session I had with Sara Seinburg. It was her 1 year anniversary of her practice last month and she was giving away free sessions. I had one yesterday and it was really nice, and kind of emotional. I’m not sure why talking about myself honestly makes me feel teary but it does. Basically what Sara does is work through blocks identified by people from a physical health/nutrition perspective but also a mental health/nutrition perspective. I was really into in and really scared by it. I told her that I wanted to sign up with her but today I’m not so sure. I guess deciding to be accountable for making real change in my life is scary. I’m still not convinced I’m ready, AND I’m not convinced I have the money but I want to explore it. My goal for my 30ies is to be nicer to my body and to myself and this seems like a reasonable place to start. So I’m happy about that no matter what direction it goes.

I’m also honestly happy for my long term friendship with my buddy Mood. He met me downtown and kept me company at my work outreach social that I was too tired to be really social for. I like that guy a lot, I’m happy we’re friends. I know that that’s really cheese-y but its the truth. Hanging out with him makes me happy.

This video also makes me happy. I suggest watching it. 350 million + other people have.

 


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Fall Wear

/// Bittersweet Striped Cardigan from Sosie /// Pam Breeze-ly Tunic from ModCloth /// Butterscotch Geometric Scarf from Three Bird Nest /// Y-Not Drew Boots from Shoe Carnival /// Tundra Bag from hoakonhelga ///

I feel a bit weird posting these things because I’m not so into turning this into a style blog but I’m just going to have to get over it and decide that not all the things that I do have to be totally meaningful and I have to admit that I follow a lot of style blogs. PLUS it is a ‘simple goal’ of mine for this season so voila, the first of my research into what I want to feel like/look like moving into a new decade of life.

Like I said, I want to get more colour in my life so hence this first shot at thinking about colour in my wardrobe.

Shirts: I’m liking the fall trend towards flow-y-er (not a word but let’s go with it) shirts. I like the mix of not being too body hugging, as I’m still trying to figure out the best way to style my body, and the way that it drapes doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a sack.

Cardigans: I’ve always been into cardigans and I like that they will be a staple this winter to keep me warm, good looking, and colourful.

Scarves: Scarves are a must in Montreal in the every season except summer (and even sometimes then too), this fall/winter I’m going to be going for brighter, more patterned scarves to dress up dark winter outfits and days.

Boots: No surprise on the boots vs weather, but I like these boots for their details. The buttons and dark, but not black leather is classy & classic. I’ve been wanting a pair of high boots for a while but never wanted to have a heal so these are great, good looking ones that have no height. Plus they will dress up my skinny jeans.

Bag: What can I say, I just really like this bag. If I had to justify it it would be because I’ve always really liked the contrast of tough and feminine so the leather with the floral (besides being in style) works for me. This kind of bag is big enough to hold my back and forth to work stuff and other necessities without being a backpack. I love backpacks but I think I need to stray away from the student style.

So there, post number 1 on style. I feel like I need to go on a rant about gender right now but am going to refrain.


Small Things Project: Day 60 (sept 18)

So.sleepy.

Adjusting to the new work schedule is tough. I’ve been pretty proud of myself for waking up on time, making myself breakfast and sometimes lunch, when M doesn’t. I’ve been pretty on the ball energy-wise at work, keeping up with my work and staying focused. By the time I get home though…so tired. Evenings feel really short, I feel like by the time I get home, chill for a minute and then eat its already time to start getting ready for bed. Actually, it just feels that way. Its only 9pm but I swear my body wants me to go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Too bad though body, I need some at home time too. Here’s hoping that soon I start to adjust to this new schedule and can start being productive in the evening too. I still got that damn thesis to write.

Today I’m happy that I got some serious work done. My new co-worker and I spent the day writing a funding pitch that is pretty awesome, not going to lie. I’m also happy for my fellow funding coordinator. She is pretty awesome and we’re having lots of fun working together.

I also have been getting better at making sure I have fruits and veggies to eat every day. I started making my fruit smoothies in the morning again, and had a really delicious sprout and tuna salad. Its been a slow start but I’m happy to be starting to get into it.

 


It Gets Fatter!

A good friend (and neighbour!), her friends, and the internet at large, have started this amazing new video project called It Gets Fatter (tumblr & also vimeo). Its a space to for People of Colour (POCs) who identify as fat, and also queer, to submit videos and written stuff talking about their experiences with fatness and body loving (or not). Its a brand brand new project that has been going on for barely a week and so far a few really powerful videos have been posted about fatness vs. health and how they are not always connected, self-acceptance and learning to love your body no matter what others tell you.

Here’s a video example that really touched me:

A lot of the videos have touched me, and have made me want to delve a little into my own feelings about my body and how I get through tough situations with my family and in life. I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts folder for months now called ‘On Being Thick’ but never really had the courage to work it out in words and moreover to post it publicly until now. So thanks It Gets Fatter folks for opening up that dialogue and pushing me to have the guts to put it out there.

The reason the above video struck a nerve with me is because Jackie talked about her experiences within her family and their feelings around her size. It is obviously very intense when the people who raise you talk negatively about your body, and I was lucky not to have that experience growing up. I was a very tiny child; short, skinny, and rocking nicknames like ‘squirt’ and ‘spaghetti legs’ (the last one was bestowed by my great-grandmother because I had long, very thin legs). It wasn’t until I hit puberty, and honestly not until my late teens that I started to gain weight for real. Its been a slow progress and has depended a lot on how active my year has been but I’ve been steadily gaining every since.

Comments about my weight started a few years ago, when I began to push the okay height to weight ratio in some of my family’s eyes. Its rarely been direct, mostly comments on how good I looked the last time I was home because I was thinner, or how I look good now as opposed to the last time because last time I was overweight and this time I was thinner. A lot of it has been indirect, and probably not aimed at me at all but comments about personal weight gain or loss definitely affect me, as well as comments from family members about how concerned they are about my dad’s weight followed by comments about how much I look like my dad. Most of the time it was meant to compliment me, or at least not to hurt me but its really hard not to take it personally when people look at me and then decide that a conversation about weight loss would be something I’d be into hearing.

I’m having difficulty saying this because I love my mom to bits and she has been my champion in so many ways, ways that I could never thank her enough for, but when it comes to my weight I’ve recently had a few experiences with her that have really stuck with me, they both involved shopping for clothes for me together, both in the past year. Last December I was looking for something to wear to my brother’s wedding in Vegas, it was last minute and we didn’t have a lot of time, plus my mom hates shopping even more than me. I remember going to store after store trying to find something that fit, and taking longer than she had patience for to find something because I just couldn’t get that comfortable combination of style and fit that I needed to feel good. I distinctly remember feeling like I had to apologize to her for my weight, not that she was asking me to but because I felt bad about being too big to fit most of the cute things she liked. I felt a lot of shame in that moment and that I had to explain myself. I stumbled through a few tries but in the end I didn’t really have an explanation, the truth is that by a lot of standards I’m not  plus sized, mall clothing just runs small in a totally mean way. It wasn’t my fault, but in that moment I felt like it was. The second time was when we were emergency shopping for a replacement wedding dress for me and my mom suggested I try on a girdle, something that she would NEVER consider wearing and, prior to me getting to the size that I am now, would probably have railed against. Its taken me a while to deconstruct that moment, and in the end I feel like my mom thought that I needed it in order to look ‘better’ in my dress. I tried it on, hated the feeling of it and the feeling behind it and decided against it. To her credit she didn’t push it but the idea that my mom thinks I’m too chubby to look good has stuck with me.  After many conversations with M about shapewear I’ve come to the conclusion as to why I’m not into it. Its not that I’m against other people wearing it for whatever reason they want to wear it, but for me I feel like I’m lying to myself about how my body looks and hiding the parts of my body that I’m struggling to love won’t make me love it any more.

Phew, still feeling iffy about that last paragraph so I’m going to move on to this really powerful video submitted to It Gets Fatter by msqueenly (who has many blogs) about being poor, black, queer and fat.

This video is important for so many reasons, and I would love to have, heard, or read further discussions of the intersections of all the points they brought up, especially around invisibility and how movements co-opt the voices of people struggling under multiple oppressions, but for this moment I want to highlight this particular point”

“it isn’t a journey of how i decorate my body with nice clothes, nice shoes, lingerie, accessories, you know. it’s not that type of journey. that’s not how i validate my fatness or my queerness or my blackness or how i talk about my poor experiences because, of course, being poor means you don’t have the money to do those things for a lot of people.”

which makes me want to stand up and clap. I’ve been trying to articulate my uncomfortableness with some blogging I see and also with some body positive blogging I see. I love it when people get excited about decorating their bodies, however they see that to be, and I definitely appreciate a visually pleasing outfit. I also get that when it comes to fatness and body positivity a lot of it is about challenging how my, your, their body is SEEN, so blogs of people dressing hot and refusing to hide their fat bodies is great and challenging and so wonderful. I guess I’m just a little disappointed that that’s as far as a lot of people take discussions about personal fashion and adornment. While clothes, accessories, tattoos, piercings, whatever are personal expressions of self and are rad in their own ways, I don’t feel like its the be all, end all of this discussion. ESPECIALLY when we’re trying to talk about body acceptance and inclusion. Dressing well is great and all but we can’t stop there. There are so many other ways this manifests in my life, to speak for myself. It manifests in how I eat in public, how I take up space, how and when I exercise, how I sit, how I dance, how I hold my body, how people see my body. It’s an awesome feeling to be wearing something hot and tight, but that feeling can very quickly be flipped to feeling shitty as soon as I catch the eye of someone who does not feel that I look awesome in my hot, tight outfit. And that feeling is not something that can always be addressed by more great outfits. Nor is it always possible to have the clothes that make me feel pumped about my body. Lately its been about making clothes work and/or fit because my current life doesn’t support new outfits, or really anything beyond the basics.

Anyway, I haven’t really done justice to msqueenly’s video or even that one quote because it means so much more than what I feel I can say on the topic right now but I just want to put it out there that this is a really great project, one that has made me want to talk out loud about my feelings ‘on being thick’. I have a lot more growing into my feelings and thoughts about this, and especially more growing into the wider topic but I love that this conversation is happening and that so many rad people are blasting open the body positivity conversation and making people think about how the intersections of identity change, influence, support and contradict how we talk about bodies, fatness, and self-love. So cheers to that.

And to this:

from the ‘fat acceptance! Yay!’ pinterest board