Stationary Drifting


Small Things Project: Day 62 (sept 22)

So today it feels like fall, its rainy and grey and cooling off. I’m happy I got to sleep in and fuck around most of the day. I got to have brunch with my boo and spend some time watching dexter, doing some photoshop stuff for coming posts, and send some emails. Its been just over a week and I am already r.e.a.l.l.y missing the amount of time I used to have to myself to do things like cook and blog and whatever else. I miss home. Now that its fall I want to start knitting/crafting again so maybe I need to get that going. Its funny because now that I’m out all day during the week I’ve become even more of a home body. Like I need to soak up the time I have now that I have it. I’m trying to push myself to do more things though, this life needs to be more involved.

So yeah, happy for cool fall days and for time at home.

// I made a SMP logo and am testing it out to see if I like it in the posts, trying to style up the text a bit for when I don’t have photos ///


Small Things Project: Day 61 (sept 20)

Just wrote a really long blog post so this one is going to be short.

Today I had a productive day so that makes me happy. I had a good day at work, and a nice evening with the hubby and borrowed cat. I worked on my blog a bunch, changing up the colours, researching self-hosting, some artwork. I nerded out on fonts for a while. M took a nap but when he work up he made us a super delicious dinner. So yeah, good day.

/// sweetest photo taken by M while I was at work. He lovvves her ///

ALSO, hilariously. The cat started working her anti-mouse magic last night and proudly brought us a dead mouse. We were hilarious with our, “goodddddd kitttyyyyyyy, that is ssoooooooo grosssssss”. Trying to decide the best way to get it away from her, and then what the hell to do with it, trying to convince each other to deal with it. That cat is happily installed in our house and its going to be really hard to say goodbye. I’ve been really happy to have her around.


Small Things Project: Day 59 (sept 16)

Phew, I only worked 2 full days and I’m exhausted. Something about waking up to an alarm makes me sleepier. I guess it didn’t help that I stayed up really late on Thursday night on a double date hangout/goodbye to my good friend B, who has left town to return to the states for a bit. Either way, I was exhausted and not a little thrown off by this new work schedule and being stuck at a desk all day so I haven’t been on the ol blog.

SO, to return to STP:

Today I am happy that its beautifully sunny out and cooler. It feels like real fall, and although I’m kinda feeling sad that I missed summer in my haze of job hunting/being broke/feeling shitty, I am very happy that the fall is turning out to be beautiful. Maybe I should organize a weekend get away to the Eastern Townships with M at the beginning of Oct. I seem to end up there every fall, its a great place and M and I could use a weekend away.

I’m preparing a lecture for tomorrow on media life narratives for the class I’m TA’ing. Doing a real lecture is pretty scary but I’m happy for the opportunity.

Mostly, my happiness for these past few days goes out to M for being such a great husband. He’s been getting up early and making me lunches to take to work, climbing the mountain of laundry that we had built up, and picking up the cleaning and daily home stuff that I can’t do know that I’m away all day without complaint. I’m a pretty lucky wife.


Small Things Project: Day 57 (sept 11)

today was a quiet day. I spent a lot of it working on emailing and planning my lecture for next Monday on media studies. I spent a good part of the evening working on this here blog and lining up some posts over the next couple days so that there’s something other than these small things posts for all you 2 readers to see. I did a little blog design planning and made some goals for the fall season. I’m happy for a productively quiet day.


New Blog Categories

I’m rearranging my site (again). I’ve been thinking for a while that I should move it over to wordpress.org so that I have more/all control over how this place is set up, how it looks and be able to add some plug-ins that I would be pumped about having. I just can’t decide if its worth the work and money to do that. This is not exactly a site that generates a lot of readership (hi dad), and it doesn’t really have any kind of a concise theme, plus I’m a bit off and on about it….BUT, I do want to turn it into the kind of blog that I would be proud to show off my ranting on, and I like the idea of owning the stationarydrifting url. I’m really into other peoples blogs and blogging in general so I’ve been wanting to ‘upgrade’ as it were to play with the mid-leagues. I don’t know, thinking of a pro/con list right now, and maybe need to spend some real time thinking about what I want to do with this corner of the web before investing all this time and energy. It is worth it to make me work it?

/// I realize that Missy Elliott is not even remotely talking about the same thing ///

ANYWAY, that was all a very random way of setting up the fact that I wanted to say a little thing about how I have rearranged and updated my categories (again).

SO without further ado I give you:

About – wherein you can find some basics about me, my sketchy plan for stationary drifting (for now), and how to find me on other social media sites. Minus the book of faces and twitter because I still feel pretty private about those ones.

Write/Say – which is where I post my rants (stationary drift), my project where I try and write something good every day to maintain a certain balance and gratitude in my life and try and avoid getting depressed at times (small things project), and where I post things that are exciting me mostly stuff I want enough to take off my pinterest boards and make a big deal about in the hopes that someone who might be looking for a present for me would take notice, or just to highlight for myself ({wishlist}). Occasionally I write things worth saying in public, but mostly I just write things I want to get off my chest.

Make/Do – this category is where you can see some things I do beside ranting and/or complaining on the internet. I post pictures, reviews, and recipes of food I’ve tried making lately, mostly baked goods because let’s be honest that’s what I like to eat more than anything else in the world (eating). I also have a category about my brief/failed attempt at a cleanse this spring, I’m leaving it up there partially because I want to inspire myself to try again and partially because there’s some good information in it. Also, its the one link on my blog that draws continual attention, usually from pinterest (spring cleanse). I put all my posts about the crafting I do and remember to post about, from sewing to knitting to otherwise diy’ing my house up so that it looks like I have some sort of a life (making). ANDDD, if you know me you know that I’m pretty into alternative medicines, especially herbal remedies and home make body and cleaning products. I’m starting to get more into making stuff at home so whenever I do something new or learning something new it will go up here, remember that I’m no expert though so don’t take what I say as medical advice. Its a bit skimpy at the moment but trust, it will get bigger (healing).

Look/See – I.love.photography. So expect to see more of this than anything else under this category. I have 5 cameras and my phone which I use to take pictures nearly all the time. Most of my cameras are film so whenever I develop my latest roll or have some quality polaroids I post them kind of en masse. This is a section of the site I really want to grow to encompass my real love of taking pictures (photography). I know that this is kind of sounding like a failed project theme but I took a bit of a blogging break over this summer while I got married and found a job, I really want to get back to the photography project my brother and I were doing. I have a goal this year of challenging myself to see the world through a lens differently (52 themes). Last but (kind of) not least, I’ve been feeling like my personal style could use some updating now that I’m about to finish my MA, and married and am weeks away from my 30th birthday. I’m not really a genderqueer punk-y kid anymore but unfortunately my clothes don’t really reflect that. So I’m setting myself a whole category to document clothes I like, thrift, see, outfits I try, etc. I’m not going to pretend I have the ability to have a style section or that I have really any interest in making this into a style blog but hey, if you’re interested in talking or reading about the style of an almost 30, queer, hard femme, and how to make that work this is the category to look under (reluctant style ///under construction///).

Okay, so that’s that. Check back and tell me what you think, if you’re actually there. Comment if you feel so inclined, its nice to have something other than spam comments every now and then. And please do share your thoughts about free hosting vs. self-directed blogs. I really am trying to figure out what to do.


It Gets Fatter!

A good friend (and neighbour!), her friends, and the internet at large, have started this amazing new video project called It Gets Fatter (tumblr & also vimeo). Its a space to for People of Colour (POCs) who identify as fat, and also queer, to submit videos and written stuff talking about their experiences with fatness and body loving (or not). Its a brand brand new project that has been going on for barely a week and so far a few really powerful videos have been posted about fatness vs. health and how they are not always connected, self-acceptance and learning to love your body no matter what others tell you.

Here’s a video example that really touched me:

A lot of the videos have touched me, and have made me want to delve a little into my own feelings about my body and how I get through tough situations with my family and in life. I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts folder for months now called ‘On Being Thick’ but never really had the courage to work it out in words and moreover to post it publicly until now. So thanks It Gets Fatter folks for opening up that dialogue and pushing me to have the guts to put it out there.

The reason the above video struck a nerve with me is because Jackie talked about her experiences within her family and their feelings around her size. It is obviously very intense when the people who raise you talk negatively about your body, and I was lucky not to have that experience growing up. I was a very tiny child; short, skinny, and rocking nicknames like ‘squirt’ and ‘spaghetti legs’ (the last one was bestowed by my great-grandmother because I had long, very thin legs). It wasn’t until I hit puberty, and honestly not until my late teens that I started to gain weight for real. Its been a slow progress and has depended a lot on how active my year has been but I’ve been steadily gaining every since.

Comments about my weight started a few years ago, when I began to push the okay height to weight ratio in some of my family’s eyes. Its rarely been direct, mostly comments on how good I looked the last time I was home because I was thinner, or how I look good now as opposed to the last time because last time I was overweight and this time I was thinner. A lot of it has been indirect, and probably not aimed at me at all but comments about personal weight gain or loss definitely affect me, as well as comments from family members about how concerned they are about my dad’s weight followed by comments about how much I look like my dad. Most of the time it was meant to compliment me, or at least not to hurt me but its really hard not to take it personally when people look at me and then decide that a conversation about weight loss would be something I’d be into hearing.

I’m having difficulty saying this because I love my mom to bits and she has been my champion in so many ways, ways that I could never thank her enough for, but when it comes to my weight I’ve recently had a few experiences with her that have really stuck with me, they both involved shopping for clothes for me together, both in the past year. Last December I was looking for something to wear to my brother’s wedding in Vegas, it was last minute and we didn’t have a lot of time, plus my mom hates shopping even more than me. I remember going to store after store trying to find something that fit, and taking longer than she had patience for to find something because I just couldn’t get that comfortable combination of style and fit that I needed to feel good. I distinctly remember feeling like I had to apologize to her for my weight, not that she was asking me to but because I felt bad about being too big to fit most of the cute things she liked. I felt a lot of shame in that moment and that I had to explain myself. I stumbled through a few tries but in the end I didn’t really have an explanation, the truth is that by a lot of standards I’m not  plus sized, mall clothing just runs small in a totally mean way. It wasn’t my fault, but in that moment I felt like it was. The second time was when we were emergency shopping for a replacement wedding dress for me and my mom suggested I try on a girdle, something that she would NEVER consider wearing and, prior to me getting to the size that I am now, would probably have railed against. Its taken me a while to deconstruct that moment, and in the end I feel like my mom thought that I needed it in order to look ‘better’ in my dress. I tried it on, hated the feeling of it and the feeling behind it and decided against it. To her credit she didn’t push it but the idea that my mom thinks I’m too chubby to look good has stuck with me.  After many conversations with M about shapewear I’ve come to the conclusion as to why I’m not into it. Its not that I’m against other people wearing it for whatever reason they want to wear it, but for me I feel like I’m lying to myself about how my body looks and hiding the parts of my body that I’m struggling to love won’t make me love it any more.

Phew, still feeling iffy about that last paragraph so I’m going to move on to this really powerful video submitted to It Gets Fatter by msqueenly (who has many blogs) about being poor, black, queer and fat.

This video is important for so many reasons, and I would love to have, heard, or read further discussions of the intersections of all the points they brought up, especially around invisibility and how movements co-opt the voices of people struggling under multiple oppressions, but for this moment I want to highlight this particular point”

“it isn’t a journey of how i decorate my body with nice clothes, nice shoes, lingerie, accessories, you know. it’s not that type of journey. that’s not how i validate my fatness or my queerness or my blackness or how i talk about my poor experiences because, of course, being poor means you don’t have the money to do those things for a lot of people.”

which makes me want to stand up and clap. I’ve been trying to articulate my uncomfortableness with some blogging I see and also with some body positive blogging I see. I love it when people get excited about decorating their bodies, however they see that to be, and I definitely appreciate a visually pleasing outfit. I also get that when it comes to fatness and body positivity a lot of it is about challenging how my, your, their body is SEEN, so blogs of people dressing hot and refusing to hide their fat bodies is great and challenging and so wonderful. I guess I’m just a little disappointed that that’s as far as a lot of people take discussions about personal fashion and adornment. While clothes, accessories, tattoos, piercings, whatever are personal expressions of self and are rad in their own ways, I don’t feel like its the be all, end all of this discussion. ESPECIALLY when we’re trying to talk about body acceptance and inclusion. Dressing well is great and all but we can’t stop there. There are so many other ways this manifests in my life, to speak for myself. It manifests in how I eat in public, how I take up space, how and when I exercise, how I sit, how I dance, how I hold my body, how people see my body. It’s an awesome feeling to be wearing something hot and tight, but that feeling can very quickly be flipped to feeling shitty as soon as I catch the eye of someone who does not feel that I look awesome in my hot, tight outfit. And that feeling is not something that can always be addressed by more great outfits. Nor is it always possible to have the clothes that make me feel pumped about my body. Lately its been about making clothes work and/or fit because my current life doesn’t support new outfits, or really anything beyond the basics.

Anyway, I haven’t really done justice to msqueenly’s video or even that one quote because it means so much more than what I feel I can say on the topic right now but I just want to put it out there that this is a really great project, one that has made me want to talk out loud about my feelings ‘on being thick’. I have a lot more growing into my feelings and thoughts about this, and especially more growing into the wider topic but I love that this conversation is happening and that so many rad people are blasting open the body positivity conversation and making people think about how the intersections of identity change, influence, support and contradict how we talk about bodies, fatness, and self-love. So cheers to that.

And to this:

from the ‘fat acceptance! Yay!’ pinterest board


Oh hi there

I’ve been a terrible blogger, even worse because the post pretty much before this was about me being a terrible blogger and it was dated early May. Oops…

Let’s blame it on the summer shall we? And the fact that I got busy getting married. No promises but I’m gonna out new effort into this blog and try and not be such a flake. I like reading back over it, and have a terrible need to finish what I started (not that there’s really any way to “finish” a blog but you get what I mean). I’ve been feeling a bit misplaced these days and am hoping that renewing my ‘small things’ will help me find where I’m at again.

So, expect the small things to pop up again, and some cooking posts on cooler days. Maybe I’ll even drag Jared back into 52 Themes. I will definitely post about the wedding! I’ve been meaning to blog about the day and how it turned out for so long, and share some of my favorite pictures that I’ve collected from friends and family so far. I have some major pre-30 processing to do (holy crap in less than 2months!). I’ll definitely complain about my thesis a bit/a lot and maybe put up some DIY projects if I do any.

If you’re into reading about those things then great, I look forward to writing about them. But I still gotta soak up a bit more summer so don’t expect me around too much until the weather starts to cool for real and I spend more of my spare time indoors.

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the strawberries before the heat and my missing watering them for 2 days massacred them