Normally I like a good sunny Sunday but given my current state of mind and affairs I kind of wish that today would be rainy and shitty and therefore justify my desire to stay in bed all day moping.
Here is a list of things that is making me feel shitty about life today:
- walking into my living room/kitchen (dirty)
- walking into my office (worst mess of them all)
- surveying my room (need to do laundry and change sheets)
- looking out at my near dead garden (so much for a growing season this year)
- looking at job postings
- considering my thesis
Here is a list of things that I’m doing to combat the shitty feelings:
- drinking coffee with a generous amount of bailey (thank you Corrie)
- reading a blog about someone else’s life who seems cool and lives in Philly (thank you Kings + Cosmics, it may seem creepy but I’ve been reading your archives but I like how you write and your kids are cute)
- deep conditioning my hair
- eating brownies for breakfast and lunch then topping that off with lemon ice cream of yogurts.
- thinking about living somewhere warm this winter
The truth of the matter is that I’ve been a black hole of fun lately. Not only am I not having any myself but I’ve been a pretty big downer for those around me. Which makes me feel bad for imposing my ‘no fun’ on people so I leave them alone. Which continues the cycle. You should see my ‘small things’ posts from the past couple of days. DEpressing. I would be fine if you stopped reading about here so as to avoid black holing the fun on the internet for those reading.
Job hunting sucks, but not as much as being turned down for jobs that I thought I gave a pretty good interview for. There are few things more depressing than trying to sell myself as Best.Ever. to strangers for jobs that I’m over qualified for (yes, I’ve considered that my ego is a problem) only to be told “blah blah blah, great candidate, blah blah, some organization will be lucky to have you, blah not us though”. Which sucks but is fine the first few times but now that I can pretty much tell that they are going to say no within the first few words and hang up only to eat beans and rice again, its not so fine anymore.
Dear future employers that might find this blog through google despite my best attempts to avoid that. I’m in a slump but that doesn’t mean I won’t be a great employee. Promise.
To top it all off my best friend is about to leave town for good, and I’m having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around that/avoiding throwing myself at her while crying NOOOOOOO and forcibly making her stay. We had a really lovely, epic goodbye hang out last night, in which I tried my best not to suck all the fun out of the air around us. It was wonderful, and long, and just the two of us but the hug at the end had no words, and there were lots of promises of visiting and then she left. I cried for a while while M patted my back after and then pulled myself together because I didn’t really know how to express my absolute dismay over her leaving me. When I think back on the last 5 years of our friendship its a little mind boggling to try and contain everything we’ve shared with each other.
Here’s a try though:
- meeting within my first couple of months in Montreal, her first month and deciding to be roommates (we were roommates for 3 years)
- riding the ups and downs of moving to a new city and trying to figure out if we like it here
- many many heart to hearts on balconies with smokes and her starting my henceforth lifelong love of scotch/whiskey
- multiple heartbreaks on both our parts
- my bouts of depression in which I cried in her bed while she patted my back
- her bouts of depression in which she cried on my shoulder and I tried to convince her to drink/eat things
- riding bikes to breakfasts consisting of chocolatines and coffee while sitting on rail cars at the tracks
- the way that she bombs around on her bike that made me nervous
- listening to her new art ideas and discussing them (I like to think I had a hand in developing a fair number of them)
- ‘deep’ talks on a vast variety of topics
- craft nights that occasionally worked out
- watching her dance. I fucking love the way she dances
- the many thanksgiving dinners/gourmet madness she put together (homemade tonic in gin and tonics what?)
- me coming out of the closet and her being one of the few who took me seriously
- her being one of the few who takes me seriously in general
- both of us near tears when it was too snowy to drive to Toronto and the internet fucking up when we were trying to book train tickets
- having home aesthetic disagreements
- her convincing me to continue smoking multiple times out of totally selfish desires to not end our porch talks and then being the first one to really quit
- the way she stole my heart by moving in the first day on my birthday and bringing cupcakes, my all time favourite thing
- the little birthday plans she always made for me
- how she would come to all my plans even if they weren’t really her speed
- when I didn’t really talk to her for weeks when she decided to move out and in with her boyfriend (now husband) because I was so upset she was leaving me
- becoming platonic wives
- her showing up at my aunt’s house in Vancouver and taking me away from the most uncomfortable family dinner of all time to go for a walk and sneak smokes
- the time she picked me up after surgery on my elbow and I started crying as soon as I saw her because I was so relieved she was there. Also how she saw me turn green from the anesthesia and got me something to puke in in record time. Quick on her feet, that one.
- how she fed me when I was too lazy to cook/sad/broke/because she’s awesome
- being my emergency contact for pretty much everything (I should change that now that I’m married and my husband lives here)
- being the code to my internet so I would never forget her phone number
- being fiercely protective of each other
- the way she laughs
- the way she makes me laugh
- pushing me to try new things
- watching her fall in love
- watching her get married to a really great man
- watching me fall in love
- watching me get married to a really great man, and being the best director of ceremonies I could ever ask for and making us all cry (even my mom, who hates crying in public as much as I do)
- sitting with her through 2 miscarriages which broke my heart almost as much as hers
- helping her move her ridiculously large installation pieces when she finally stopped trying to paint the tiniest paintings ever and follow her artistic future
- convincing her not to leave
- saying good bye when she finally did
and so so so much more.
Corrie’s been my rock more than I could ever have asked for. I’ve tried to be hers and I hope that’s been with similar success. I hate that she’s leaving but I’m wishing her all the best and am looking forward to celebrating even more of her successes.
How’s that for sad/sappy? Also this post took an unexpected turn towards Corrie love/I’m a mess.