Stationary Drifting

what does it mean when I say family?

shit just got real real.

the past 2 days have been fucking epic in my family. I’ve had the kinds of conversations with my both parents that are both both a long time coming and totally heartbreaking. We all cried. And said we didn’t know what to do. Its rare for me to hear either of my parents cry, and even more rare to hear them say they don’t know what to do. Rare and pretty unsettling. It makes me want to run away and hide, or say I’m sorry and to forget about it, or to suck in my breath so hard that its like nothing was ever said in the first place.

I’m trying to remain cautiously optimistic that this will all work out for the best, and that these conversations will be healing instead of damaging. I’m hoping that this will all bring us closer together, and that we will reach a new level of being a family that suits us now where we are. I’m hoping that the outcome will be that we are tighter than ever, and maybe that some of the issues we have with each other will be resolved through these conversations.

I’m pretty fucking scared though. I don’t know what I would do without them, even if I only see them once or twice a year, only talk once or twice a month. I rely pretty heavily on the fact that they are there and that we love each other no matter what. That I am one of them and that they are one of me. I know that family ties can be hard to break but I also know that they can be hard to repair. I’m so afraid that something might break that is unrepairable.

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