Stationary Drifting

end of understanding

I don’t understand myself.
I move through the world in a mode of hyper rationality.
Rationality with a cape, a crown, a wand and a unicorn horn.
Yet emotionally, I operate at a level I wouldn’t even call instinctive.
Instinct implies that I choose options that make me feel good, at the very least.
Though this is far from the truth.

I don’t understand why I say its okay.
When everything within me yells that its not okay.
That nothing about it feels remotely okay.
I allow rationality to box emotion up, in metal and chains and locks with their keys thrown to the bottom of oceans.
Thinking that if this happens rationality will win and it will be okay.
Though this is also far from the truth.

I don’t understand why I can’t believe in good things.
Instead I hold my breath and wait for what I perceive to be good to stop.
If that doesn’t work I poke holes in the good so that it has to stop.
That way I can continue to believe that there are no actual good things.
Because rationality tells me that nothing good lasts.
Though this is far from the truth.

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