Ever felt the thud of intense, heartbreaking loneliness? The worst is when it happens when you are amongst a group of people, especially people you like. Especially people you think would like you.
I find I have trust issues. I have troubles reaching out and connecting with people, in a meaningful way at least, in a way that allows me to give more of myself. Maybe it’s self-indulgence with a splash of fear, maybe I’m over sensitive. Whatever it is I find myself to be more lonely in groups of people than I am by myself and am becoming quite the hermit of late.
Nothing feels lonelier than sitting amongst a group of people and feeling disconnected. At worst there is a disconnection from everything, at best, I end up sitting in bed in my favorite sweater and underwear, typing loneliness into ultimate void that is the internet. Something about an online blog perpetuates this feeling because it allows me to feel a connection to someone virtual, non-existent, someone who cares less about who I am than those I meet on the street. It feels like feeding a lion your hand instead of your fingers.
Virtual connections are bullshit.